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A worm's eye view of the English Bar

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Licence to pry

“I love it when a witness completely fails to come up to proof in the witness box,” said OldSmoothie. “Particularly when it was due entirely to the other side’s solicitor making errors in the typing of the witness statement.” “But don’t you think that’s a little unfair on the witness if it wasn’t their mistake?” […]

March 6, 2013 · Tim Kevan · Comments Closed
Tags: Article, BabyBarista, Blogposts, Law, The BabyBarista blog Â· Posted in: Uncategorized

I have been instructed

“Your honour, I have been instructed…” It was TheBusker today in front of a particularly aggressive judge. “Oh come along MrBusker. You have been instructed? We know what that really means, now don’t we?” “Yes, Your Honour, it means that I am about to tell you what my solicitors have instructed me to tell you.” […]

March 5, 2013 · Tim Kevan · Comments Closed
Tags: Article, BabyBarista, Blogposts, Law, The BabyBarista blog Â· Posted in: Uncategorized

Lie detectors in court

“It’s so easy to know when a witness is lying,” said HeadofChambers today. “There’s always a tell, whether it’s the scratching of the nose or a particular turn of phrase. Whatever it is, you just know.” “The problem is that twitches and other foibles are also committed by honest people overly nervous about being misconstrued,” […]

February 25, 2013 · Tim Kevan · Comments Closed
Tags: Article, BabyBarista, Blogposts, Law, The BabyBarista blog Â· Posted in: Uncategorized

Pupil protest

“Have you heard that one of the pupils has made a complaint about OldSmoothie to the Bar Standards Board?” said TheVamp today. “What on earth for?” said HeadofChambers. “The possibilities are endless,” said BusyBody. “Sexual harrassment might be a starter.” “Actually, she’s not complaining about his lechery,” said TheVamp. “Her line is that she’d have […]

February 24, 2013 · Tim Kevan · Comments Closed
Tags: Article, BabyBarista, Blogposts, Law, The BabyBarista blog Â· Posted in: Uncategorized

Bring back barrister immunity

One of UpTights’ pupils was reporting in on his case today. “The client told me he’s going to sue me for losing the case,” he said. “What for?” asked TheVamp. “She said I wasn’t forceful enough in my cross-examination and that I kept having to check through my notes when making my closing submissions.” “What […]

February 4, 2013 · Tim Kevan · Comments Closed
Tags: Article, BabyBarista, Blogposts, Law, The BabyBarista blog Â· Posted in: Uncategorized

Competitive strain injury

“I hate this profession,” said UpTights today. “I hate the hours, I hate the tedious work, I hate the travel, I hate that solicitors never pay us, I hate that we never get any control over our diaries, I hate the insecurity, I hate the back-biting and competition…” “Oh, here we go again,” said OldSmoothie. […]

January 16, 2013 · Tim Kevan · Comments Closed
Tags: Article, BabyBarista, Blogposts, Law, The BabyBarista blog Â· Posted in: Uncategorized

The barrister’s Way of Sorrows

One of the pupils was in the clerks room almost in tears today. “I’ve just lost my first trial,” he moaned. “I wouldn’t worry about that,” said OldSmoothie. “How many trials have you done so far?” “It was my third but it was my big chance to impress SlipperySlope.” “Look, young man, you’ll have to […]

November 1, 2012 · Tim Kevan · Comments Closed
Tags: Article, BabyBarista, Blogposts, Law, The BabyBarista blog Â· Posted in: Uncategorized

How to spot a bad barrister

“I’ve never been quite sure what makes a good barrister,” said TheBusker. “But there’s one thing that’s never hard to spot – and that’s a bad one.” “Shame that solicitors or their clients don’t often realise,” said BusyBody. “That’s because solicitors rarely attend court and clients usually know no better,” said TheVamp. “Yes, it’s often […]

October 30, 2012 · Tim Kevan · Comments Closed
Tags: Article, BabyBarista, Blogposts, Law, The BabyBarista blog Â· Posted in: Uncategorized

The legal money tree

“I’ve got to go to court today to hand in a consent order simply because the judge has insisted on our attendance,” moaned one of the pupils today. “What’s your problem with that?” said TheVamp. “Is this really what all my hard work at university and beyond has come to? A train journey to Chatham […]

October 25, 2012 · Tim Kevan · Comments Closed
Tags: Article, BabyBarista, Blogposts, Law, The BabyBarista blog Â· Posted in: Uncategorized

Doomsday for lawyers

“My son’s just got a place at university to read law,” said HeadofChambers proudly today. “Some future he’ll have,” said BusyBody. “I agree,” said TheVamp. “The law’s finished. At least in the way we know it.” “What on earth are you talking about,” said OldSmoothie. “I’ve heard this kind of doomsday talk time and again […]

October 21, 2012 · Tim Kevan · Comments Closed
Tags: Article, BabyBarista, Blogposts, Law, The BabyBarista blog Â· Posted in: Uncategorized

• « Older Entries
• Newer Entries »

• THE MAIN CHARACTERS

• OldSmoothie

  
• Think Peter Bowles in To The Manor Born and Milk Tray Man, but not quite. Once successful barrister now put out to graze as a committee man.

• TheCreep

  
• Jumped up little twerp who sucks up to the big beasts in chambers and struts around as if he's really something when actually he's not.

• SlipperySlope

  
  

  Solicitor skilled in the art of creative billing. Has the airs and graces of a country squire but is more a cross between Arthur Daley and Boycie from 'Only Fools and Horses'.

• Smutton

  
  

  Brassy to UpTights’s classy and yet still, somehow, sexy.

• NurserySlope

  
  

  Solicitor who is SlipperySlope's neice. Skis, rides and looks like a horse.

• JetSet

  
  

  A new solicitor character who's got a training contract and lords it over PanicStricken. She's wealthy, well- connected and spends most weekends either skiing or clubbing abroad.

• ScandalMonger

  
• Ruthless PR guru who has become one of BabyB's secret litigation weapons

• BigMouth

  
• Pompous Tory MP stuck on the backbenches like a piece of old chewing gum

• BusyBody

  
• A whirlwind of interference with a good heart and always up for a fight, particularly with OldSmoothie.

• TopFirst

  
• BabyB’s sworn enemy and former fellow pupil

• BabyBarista

  
• A young Flashman meets Rumpole meets Francis Urquart for the 21st century

• OldFatherTime

  
• A whisper on the wind, Highlander-type figure who is older than time itself

• TheVamp

  
• Tenant in chambers and a walking Carry On film of an innuendo

• OldRuin

  
• How a barrister should be. Dumbledore meets Clarence, the angel in Its a Wonderful Life. BabyB’s redemption.

• TheBusker

  
• Barrister of ten years call with the integrity and decency of OldRuin. Very laid back in his approach to both court and life. Admired by BabyB.

• TheBoss

  
• BabyB’s ex-pupilmaster. Unscrupulous, spineless coward.

• HeadClerk

  
• The real power in chambers. All seeing, all knowing.

• PupilFodder

  
• Learner Barrister foisted upon his unsuspecting client who gets shredded in court

• UpTights

  
• BabyB’s pupilmistress for his second six months who was almost called BoTucks for the work she’s had done. Insists on boundaries and personal space. Has ‘issues’.

• JudgeJewellery

  
• Judge with penchant for stealing high street trinkets