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A worm's eye view of the English Bar

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Procuring work

“It’s about time we organised a lavish chambers party,” said Slick today. “Yes, because everyone knows that free champagne is the most cost-effective way of getting them to give you work,” said TheVamp sarcastically. “Exactly,” said Slick without a hint of irony. “In my last chambers we always budgeted for two bottles of the finest vintage […]

January 25, 2017 · Tim Kevan · Comments Closed
Tags: Article, BabyBarista, Blogposts, Law, The BabyBarista blog Â· Posted in: Uncategorized

Barrister mating rituals

After their failed negotiation of last week, UpTights and OldSmoothie were against each other in court yesterday. OldSmoothie’s pupil was careful to take an accurate note of their learned last words on the case before they went into court and then he immediately posted it on Facebook. “You’re a stretched and gabbling shrew-faced old haridan […]

December 1, 2015 · Tim Kevan · Comments Closed
Tags: Article, BabyBarista, Blogposts, Law, The BabyBarista blog Â· Posted in: Uncategorized

Experts

I was telling Claire about the terrible performance of my consultant neurologist in a case I did yesterday. She replied, ‘My pupilmistress used to say that you should never trust experts. As she put it, the ‘x’ stands for the unknown factor and the ‘spurt’ is simply a drip under pressure.’ Then she smiled and […]

August 18, 2015 · Tim Kevan · Comments Closed
Tags: Article, BabyBarista, Blogposts, Law, The BabyBarista blog Â· Posted in: Uncategorized

King of the pupils

With August now upon us, the Temple has been beset by a veritable plague of mini-pupils. Little worker ants strutting their stuff and cracking jokes about how stupid or thick this or that Law Lord is to have written this or that irrelevant judgment. With all this activity, TheCreep has spotted an opportunity to make […]

August 4, 2015 · Tim Kevan · Comments Closed
Tags: Article, BabyBarista, Blogposts, Law, The BabyBarista blog Â· Posted in: Uncategorized

Amending the record

I gave OldSmoothie my note of his, er, case conference with BigMouth today. Basically it consisted of telling BigMouth that he should declare all the cash he’s received from his banker friend both to Parliament and probably also the taxman. However, he’d then gone on on to whisper that although that was his strict advice, […]

June 9, 2015 · Tim Kevan · Comments Closed
Tags: Article, BabyBarista, Blogposts, Law, The BabyBarista blog Â· Posted in: Uncategorized

Service industry

“I hate clients,” said Teflon as he arrived back into chambers after an obviously hard day in court. “The world would be so much easier without them,” smiled TheVamp. “Quite right,” said OldSmoothie. “No more whining on in conference, getting witness statements wrong and then complaining when they have to pay even though they lost.” […]

June 2, 2015 · Tim Kevan · Comments Closed
Tags: Article, BabyBarista, Blogposts, Law, The BabyBarista blog Â· Posted in: Uncategorized

Paying for experience

HeadofChambers was telling us all in tea today that he had had a solicitor email him questioning how he could possibly justify charging £5,000 for a half an hour conference and asking for a breakdown. His reply echoed an apocryphal bill once sent by a doctor and said: 1. Conducting the conference – £250 2. […]

May 5, 2015 · Tim Kevan · Comments Closed
Tags: Article, BabyBarista, Blogposts, Law, The BabyBarista blog Â· Posted in: Uncategorized

In your dreams

‘I hate this job,’ said OldSmoothie. ‘Seems a far cry from my childhood dreams of becoming rich and then going into politics and becoming even richer.’ ‘Such an idealistic youth you must have been,’ said BusyBody. ‘Though I have to admit that running personal injury claims is hardly the civil liberties campaigner I saw for […]

April 28, 2015 · Tim Kevan · Comments Closed
Tags: Article, BabyBarista, Blogposts, Law, The BabyBarista blog Â· Posted in: Uncategorized

Getting ahead at the Bar

Unfortunately for TheCreep it seems that the mini-pupils have already sussed him out since a quick tour of the walls of the Temple will reveal that his posters have all been slightly defaced with the first ‘a’ in the word ‘ahead’ being deleted. So rather than his earnest sounding lecture entitled ‘TheCreep’s guide to getting […]

April 21, 2015 · Tim Kevan · Comments Closed
Tags: Article, BabyBarista, Blogposts, Law, The BabyBarista blog Â· Posted in: Uncategorized

Beyond redemption

At chambers tea today BusyBody asked OldSmoothie, ‘Why are you always so rude to UpTights?’ ‘Because she’s a calcified witch,’ said he replied without even blinking. ‘Her heart’s turned to stone and whatever soul she had wasn’t able to survive in the bitterness and bile that pumps through her veins.’ ‘But you’ve got to admit […]

April 14, 2015 · Tim Kevan · Comments Closed
Tags: Article, BabyBarista, Blogposts, Law, The BabyBarista blog Â· Posted in: Uncategorized

• « Older Entries

• THE MAIN CHARACTERS

• OldSmoothie

  
• Think Peter Bowles in To The Manor Born and Milk Tray Man, but not quite. Once successful barrister now put out to graze as a committee man.

• TheCreep

  
• Jumped up little twerp who sucks up to the big beasts in chambers and struts around as if he's really something when actually he's not.

• SlipperySlope

  
  

  Solicitor skilled in the art of creative billing. Has the airs and graces of a country squire but is more a cross between Arthur Daley and Boycie from 'Only Fools and Horses'.

• Smutton

  
  

  Brassy to UpTights’s classy and yet still, somehow, sexy.

• NurserySlope

  
  

  Solicitor who is SlipperySlope's neice. Skis, rides and looks like a horse.

• JetSet

  
  

  A new solicitor character who's got a training contract and lords it over PanicStricken. She's wealthy, well- connected and spends most weekends either skiing or clubbing abroad.

• ScandalMonger

  
• Ruthless PR guru who has become one of BabyB's secret litigation weapons

• BigMouth

  
• Pompous Tory MP stuck on the backbenches like a piece of old chewing gum

• BusyBody

  
• A whirlwind of interference with a good heart and always up for a fight, particularly with OldSmoothie.

• TopFirst

  
• BabyB’s sworn enemy and former fellow pupil

• BabyBarista

  
• A young Flashman meets Rumpole meets Francis Urquart for the 21st century

• OldFatherTime

  
• A whisper on the wind, Highlander-type figure who is older than time itself

• TheVamp

  
• Tenant in chambers and a walking Carry On film of an innuendo

• OldRuin

  
• How a barrister should be. Dumbledore meets Clarence, the angel in Its a Wonderful Life. BabyB’s redemption.

• TheBusker

  
• Barrister of ten years call with the integrity and decency of OldRuin. Very laid back in his approach to both court and life. Admired by BabyB.

• TheBoss

  
• BabyB’s ex-pupilmaster. Unscrupulous, spineless coward.

• HeadClerk

  
• The real power in chambers. All seeing, all knowing.

• PupilFodder

  
• Learner Barrister foisted upon his unsuspecting client who gets shredded in court

• UpTights

  
• BabyB’s pupilmistress for his second six months who was almost called BoTucks for the work she’s had done. Insists on boundaries and personal space. Has ‘issues’.

• JudgeJewellery

  
• Judge with penchant for stealing high street trinkets