BabyBarista

A worm's eye view of the English Bar

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Archive for December, 2015

Therapy

OldSmoothie was boasting last night to just a couple of us in the clerks room about his latest sexual conquest. Apparently she was not only his opponent last week but is also twenty years younger than him. UpTights walked in on the conversation and said: “You really are a sad, lonely and dirty old man. […]

December 29, 2015 · Tim Kevan · Comments Closed
Tags: babyb, chambers · Posted in: Uncategorized

Killing time

“You’re always rushing around, BabyB. Chopping up your life into hours, minutes, seconds. It’s what you lawyers are about. But if you’re not careful BabyB, you’ll turn into one of them and your whole life will be lost onto some dusty, meaningless timesheet.” It was my mother and I didn’t argue because she was right. […]

December 22, 2015 · Tim Kevan · Comments Closed
Tags: babyb, mother · Posted in: Uncategorized

Money-go round

I was at a meeting this morning with Slippery, ScandalMonger, Smutton and TheBoss. Slippery looked in a particularly self-satisfied mood and mused: “You know, I was reading a story the other day in which the world became so technologically complicated that when a glitch occurred there was no-one left who knew how to fix it. […]

December 15, 2015 · Tim Kevan · Comments Closed
Tags: babyb, slippery · Posted in: Uncategorized

Who guards the guards?

OldRuin was in chambers today and talking to HeadClerk about police powers. “It’s the age old problem,” he said. “It’s all very well having an independent police force but then who guards the guards?” “We do. The people,” said HeadClerk. “You know, through Parliament.” “You’re right, of course,” answered OldRuin. “But who guards them?” “Well, […]

December 8, 2015 · Tim Kevan · 5 Comments
Tags: babyb, chambers · Posted in: Uncategorized

Barrister mating rituals

After their failed negotiation of last week, UpTights and OldSmoothie were against each other in court yesterday. OldSmoothie’s pupil was careful to take an accurate note of their learned last words on the case before they went into court and then he immediately posted it on Facebook. “You’re a stretched and gabbling shrew-faced old haridan […]

December 1, 2015 · Tim Kevan · Comments Closed
Tags: Article, BabyBarista, Blogposts, Law, The BabyBarista blog · Posted in: Uncategorized

• THE MAIN CHARACTERS

• OldSmoothie

  
• Think Peter Bowles in To The Manor Born and Milk Tray Man, but not quite. Once successful barrister now put out to graze as a committee man.

• TheCreep

  
• Jumped up little twerp who sucks up to the big beasts in chambers and struts around as if he's really something when actually he's not.

• SlipperySlope

  
  

  Solicitor skilled in the art of creative billing. Has the airs and graces of a country squire but is more a cross between Arthur Daley and Boycie from 'Only Fools and Horses'.

• Smutton

  
  

  Brassy to UpTights’s classy and yet still, somehow, sexy.

• NurserySlope

  
  

  Solicitor who is SlipperySlope's neice. Skis, rides and looks like a horse.

• JetSet

  
  

  A new solicitor character who's got a training contract and lords it over PanicStricken. She's wealthy, well- connected and spends most weekends either skiing or clubbing abroad.

• ScandalMonger

  
• Ruthless PR guru who has become one of BabyB's secret litigation weapons

• BigMouth

  
• Pompous Tory MP stuck on the backbenches like a piece of old chewing gum

• BusyBody

  
• A whirlwind of interference with a good heart and always up for a fight, particularly with OldSmoothie.

• TopFirst

  
• BabyB’s sworn enemy and former fellow pupil

• BabyBarista

  
• A young Flashman meets Rumpole meets Francis Urquart for the 21st century

• OldFatherTime

  
• A whisper on the wind, Highlander-type figure who is older than time itself

• TheVamp

  
• Tenant in chambers and a walking Carry On film of an innuendo

• OldRuin

  
• How a barrister should be. Dumbledore meets Clarence, the angel in Its a Wonderful Life. BabyB’s redemption.

• TheBusker

  
• Barrister of ten years call with the integrity and decency of OldRuin. Very laid back in his approach to both court and life. Admired by BabyB.

• TheBoss

  
• BabyB’s ex-pupilmaster. Unscrupulous, spineless coward.

• HeadClerk

  
• The real power in chambers. All seeing, all knowing.

• PupilFodder

  
• Learner Barrister foisted upon his unsuspecting client who gets shredded in court

• UpTights

  
• BabyB’s pupilmistress for his second six months who was almost called BoTucks for the work she’s had done. Insists on boundaries and personal space. Has ‘issues’.

• JudgeJewellery

  
• Judge with penchant for stealing high street trinkets