Dirty barristers

UpTights had her annual wig-fitting yesterday. Given that she’s now spent many thousands of pounds on the little horse hair numbers, she even gets a personal visit to chambers. As usual she was talking about it at chambers tea afterwards.

‘It’s so good to throw out the old,’ she said.

‘What do you do with it?’ asked BusyBody.

‘I cut it up and then feed it through the shredder,’ she replied nonchalantly before adding, ‘and then I burn it in my back garden.’

‘You what? The shredder? Burning? As if somehow it might hold the secrets of your sordid little life within its tight knit curls?’ said OldSmoothie.

‘Oh do shut up. It’s basic hygeine, that’s all.’

‘Well, I never even clean my wig,’ said TheBusker. ‘I’m afraid I wouldn’t even know where to get it done.’

People looked around the room as if to find out whether it was okay to admit that they too failed such basic standards of hygiene.

‘I think most people take great pride in the fact that their wigs get a little dirty. It’s a mark of experience,’ said HeadofChambers.

‘A little dirt’s one thing,’ said UpTights. ‘But if you wear that wig five hours a day, two or three days a week for most of the year it’s going to get pretty sweaty to say the least. Particularly given the lack of air conditioning in the summer.’

‘It is perhaps a little ironic that wigs were supposedly introduced for cleanliness reasons,’ said TheCreep. ‘You know, to keep away the nits and their like.’

‘Well, I still wear the wig that belonged both to my father and to his father before him,’ said OldRuin, ‘and I have to admit that I’ve never cleaned it once. As to whether it received any particular treatment back in the day, I’ll never know although I doubt it very much.’

‘Perhaps that’s why barristers never shake hands,’ said BusyBody. ‘I mean, once they’ve spent time adjusting their wigs, well, you can understand.’

BabyBarista is a fictional account of a junior barrister practising at the English Bar, written by barrister and writer Tim Kevan. For more information and to read posts from the last few years visit babybarista.com. Cartoons by Alex Williams, author of 101 Ways to Leave the Law.

August 26, 2014 · Tim Kevan · Comments Closed
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