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A worm's eye view of the English Bar

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Archive for December, 2013

Solicitor advocate

Poor ClichéClanger . There’s always been something of the am dram about this particular solicitor but today his performance really took the biscuit. Not that there should even have been a performance. You see, we both turned up at court on a case and then just before the client arrived ClichéClanger turned to me and […]

December 30, 2013 · Tim Kevan · Comments Closed
Tags: Article, BabyBarista, Blogposts, Law, The BabyBarista blog Â· Posted in: Uncategorized

The listening barrister

There’s a pupil in chambers at the moment who I can only call PipSqueak. Not just on account of her lack of height but more due to the fact that she simply can’t stop talking. Every time she makes a point she stands on her tiptoes and er, well, squeaks. No other way to describe […]

December 23, 2013 · Tim Kevan · Comments Closed
Tags: Article, BabyBarista, Blogposts, Law, The BabyBarista blog Â· Posted in: Uncategorized

Covered in red tape

I overheard UpTights chatting to a mini-pupil in the clerks’ room this morning. “Whenever we send papers back to solicitors, we tie them up in this pink ribbon,” she said, indicating a great mound of the stuff. “It’s where the phrase, ‘covered in red tape’ comes from.” “But why isn’t it ‘covered in pink tape’ […]

December 17, 2013 · Tim Kevan · Comments Closed
Tags: Article, BabyBarista, Blogposts, Law, The BabyBarista blog Â· Posted in: Uncategorized

No-good pesky clients

‘I hate those no-good, pesky clients.’ It was OldSmoothie at chambers tea today. ‘The world would be so much easier without their dithering in the witness box and tut-tutting behind your back,’ said HeadofChambers. ‘That’s not my problem, exactly,’ said OldSmoothie, ‘although you do have a point. It’s that I rarely actually like any of […]

December 10, 2013 · Tim Kevan · Comments Closed
Tags: Article, BabyBarista, Blogposts, Law, The BabyBarista blog Â· Posted in: Uncategorized

Brass neck

OldSmoothie popped into my room yesterday afternoon. “BabyB, I need a little assistance for a conference I have tomorrow morning. The papers arrived a week ago and I’ve had my pupil make a note of the main issues. I just need you to go through and sort out the wood from the trees.” “I’m in […]

December 3, 2013 · Tim Kevan · Comments Closed
Tags: Article, BabyBarista, Blogposts, Law, The BabyBarista blog Â· Posted in: Uncategorized

• THE MAIN CHARACTERS

• OldSmoothie

  
• Think Peter Bowles in To The Manor Born and Milk Tray Man, but not quite. Once successful barrister now put out to graze as a committee man.

• TheCreep

  
• Jumped up little twerp who sucks up to the big beasts in chambers and struts around as if he's really something when actually he's not.

• SlipperySlope

  
  

  Solicitor skilled in the art of creative billing. Has the airs and graces of a country squire but is more a cross between Arthur Daley and Boycie from 'Only Fools and Horses'.

• Smutton

  
  

  Brassy to UpTights’s classy and yet still, somehow, sexy.

• NurserySlope

  
  

  Solicitor who is SlipperySlope's neice. Skis, rides and looks like a horse.

• JetSet

  
  

  A new solicitor character who's got a training contract and lords it over PanicStricken. She's wealthy, well- connected and spends most weekends either skiing or clubbing abroad.

• ScandalMonger

  
• Ruthless PR guru who has become one of BabyB's secret litigation weapons

• BigMouth

  
• Pompous Tory MP stuck on the backbenches like a piece of old chewing gum

• BusyBody

  
• A whirlwind of interference with a good heart and always up for a fight, particularly with OldSmoothie.

• TopFirst

  
• BabyB’s sworn enemy and former fellow pupil

• BabyBarista

  
• A young Flashman meets Rumpole meets Francis Urquart for the 21st century

• OldFatherTime

  
• A whisper on the wind, Highlander-type figure who is older than time itself

• TheVamp

  
• Tenant in chambers and a walking Carry On film of an innuendo

• OldRuin

  
• How a barrister should be. Dumbledore meets Clarence, the angel in Its a Wonderful Life. BabyB’s redemption.

• TheBusker

  
• Barrister of ten years call with the integrity and decency of OldRuin. Very laid back in his approach to both court and life. Admired by BabyB.

• TheBoss

  
• BabyB’s ex-pupilmaster. Unscrupulous, spineless coward.

• HeadClerk

  
• The real power in chambers. All seeing, all knowing.

• PupilFodder

  
• Learner Barrister foisted upon his unsuspecting client who gets shredded in court

• UpTights

  
• BabyB’s pupilmistress for his second six months who was almost called BoTucks for the work she’s had done. Insists on boundaries and personal space. Has ‘issues’.

• JudgeJewellery

  
• Judge with penchant for stealing high street trinkets