Learned usher

I was against TheCreep today and as always he was going his best to slime up to the judge.

‘Your honour, as I have already indicated to your learned usher, this case is likely to last half a day.’

The judge stopped TheCreep there. ‘Alfred,’ she said looking down from the bench to the older gentleman sitting in front of her. ‘Did you hear that?’

Alfred smiled as if he could guess what was about to come.

‘This young man tells me you’re learned.’

‘TheCreep, thinking he had gone too far and that the judge was about to criticise him, then said, ‘Er, I’m sorry, Your Honour. It was a slip of the tongue, what I meant…’

As soon as the words left his mouth it was clear to us all that this had been the wrong thing to say. The words hung in the air and were then followed by a silence as the judge looked down at TheCreep as if measuring up exactly how she was going to hurt him. Then she said very slowly, ‘MrCreep, one minute you were suggesting that Alfred here was learned. Now you appear to be suggesting that he is not. Which is it to be?’

‘Er, er…’ TheCreep was lost.

‘Well, come on then,’ pushed the judge.

‘Er, well, I…’

‘MrCreep, even for someone as keen as yourself on the art of brown-nosing, you are particularly ill-equipped at ingratiating yourself through simple charm. For your information, Alfred has a law degree and is extremely learned and from now on I decree that everyone will address him as ‘The very learned usher Alfred. Do you understand?’

‘Yes,’ said TheCreep looking shame-faced.

‘Now, I suggest you get on with introducing your case.’

‘TheCreep then stood up and said, ‘Your Honour, this is an all or nothing case.’

TheJudge then whispered under her breath at a level which we could all hear, ‘Or for you MrCreep, nothing.’

Which not surprisingly, turned out to be true.

BabyBarista is a fictional account of a junior barrister practising at the English Bar, written by barrister and writer Tim Kevan. For more information and to read posts from the last few years visit babybarista.com. Cartoons by Alex Williams, author of 101 Ways to Leave the Law.

August 5, 2014 · Tim Kevan · Comments Closed
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