Bah humbug

SlipperySlope the solicitor was in chambers on Wednesday and was as out of touch with the public mood as he always is. “I hate bank holidays,” he said.
“Why’s that?” asked BusyBody. “Problems at home?”
“I just hate the fact that all my staff are off sunning themselves on the beach rather than billing hours for me. Each day loses me so much money.”
“But you must at least like this hot weather?” I said.
“Well, the silver lining is that holiday season does at least bring more accidents. Particularly with the distractions of Spring when the sap’s rising…”
“As is the length of some people’s skirts,” said OldSmoothie, looking at Vamp.
“And the size of other people’s waistlines,” she fired back.
“Let’s just say,” continued Slippery, “that people may be a little more distracted than usual. As for the royal wedding…”
“Don’t get me started,” said OldSmoothie. “Another bout of national hysteria with no rational explanation.”
“Actually, I’m in favour,” said Slippery.
“Oh, quite the romantic,” said BusyBody. “Or are you just an arch royalist?”
“I am a man of many weaknesses,” said Slippery, “but neither romance nor royalism are among them. But anything which creates a new legal market always gets my vote.”
“Oh?” said HeadClerk, trying to sound nonchalant.
“Well, first we started an internet site advising small businesses on what they can and can’t produce in terms of image rights and the like. You know, tea towels, coffee mugs and…”
“Other complete tat that’ll be clogging up car boot sales for years to come,” said HeadofChamnbers.
“Exactly. Then there’s the increase in marriage more generally. What a fine example the good couple are setting our youngsters. Warms the cockles of my heart. Or at least my wallet since for every match, just as every hatch and despatch, there’s always a legal fee to be had. Once upon a time it might have been limited to tax savings which might be made. But these days there’s also the juicy pre-nups. Two minute copy and paste job and a four hundred pound bill is automatically churned out, don’t you know. Printing money faster than even the Bank of England.”
“I know a barrister who once advised a member of the royal family,” said OldRuin.
“Do you think he’d have been allowed to get away with adding a ‘By Royal Appointment’ sticker to his wig or gown?” said TheBusker.
“Yes, I like the sound of that,” said OldRuin. “Like a jar of the finest orange marmalade that money can buy.”

BabyBarista is a fictional account of a junior barrister practising at the English Bar, written by barrister and writer Tim Kevan. For more information and to read posts from the last few years visit Cartoons by Alex Williams, author of 101 Ways to Leave the Law.

May 2, 2011 · Tim Kevan · Comments Closed
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