Shining wits

OldSmoothie had another conference with BigMouth, the backbench Tory MP today and I was once again drafted in to take the minutes. Except that this time the conference took place on the terrace of the House of Commons with a jug of Pimms for company and within half an hour the two of them were regaling stories they’d clearly told each other thousands of times, just like a couple of musicians jamming their favourite tunes.

“I see that one of your lot called the Speaker a ‘stupid, sanctimonious dwarf’ the other day,” chuckled OldSmoothie.

“Standards are as high as ever,” said BigMouth.

“There’s a few judges I’d like to say that to. Somehow I don’t think I’d get away with a just a slight ticking off, though,” said OldSmoothie.

“Oh, I don’t know,” said BigMouth. “The trick is always to leave the slightest possibility that the victim might be mistaken in what they heard. Cunning stunts, shining wits, you know…”

“I tell you what,” said OldSmoothie. “Let’s see exactly who can get away with the worst language in the next six months. You get Select Committees and the floor of the House and I get courtrooms. BabyB here can be the official referee.”

After they’d agreed on what they termed the Malcolm Tucker challenge, OldSmoothie finally got down to the business of doling out legal advice and I am now tasked with writing up the minutes of their increasingly drunken case conference.

July 6, 2010 · Tim Kevan · Comments Closed
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