Blame and claim

PennyweatherJ_Circuit Today I had the pleasure of appearing in front of the notorious JudgeLooseCannon. He’s a gruff northerner who never shies away from showing his disdain for the petty-fogging ways of the southerners who surround him in his surrogate home on the south east of England. He’s also well know for spouting off on any old subject which happens to have taken his fancy that morning whilst reading the newspaper over breakfast. Much of the time, he gets away with it because his comments are so irrelevant to the case in hand as not to affect the judgment one way or the other. However, as I alluded to last week, many’s the judgment of JudgeLooseCannon which has been handed around the robing, not least because he takes great pleasure in sending the parties away for an hour at the end of the submissions and typing up a written judgment “for the avoidance of any doubt.”

Today I was representing an insurance company defending a claim against someone who had tripped over a hole in the pavement which was about an inch thick and certainly enough to prove liability. Here’s just an extract from the judgment:
“I will no doubt be appealed for saying so, but nevertheless, I intend to put forward my real reason for dismissing this claim. It is simply that I am sick and tired of seeing queues of people trundling through this county court bringing claims for what was basically an unfortunate accident. Something which when I was younger would have merited sympathy, perhaps a sweet cup of tea and beyond that a shrug of the shoulders. Just one of those things. I regret to say that nothing seems to be just one of those things any longer. It’s all blame and claim and, you’ll have to forgive the rhyming, but I say shame! and shame again! It’s time people starting taking responsibility for their own actions and if no-one is prepared to stand up and say so then we can start today, in this county court. For this reason, I therefore dismiss this claim.”

He may or may not have a point but for today, I fear that my victory may be over-turned on appeal.

August 24, 2016 · Tim Kevan · 6 Comments
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JudgeLooseCannon

BabyB LPlate improved My opponent opened his case today with the following words: “This is an appeal from District Judge…” I won’t mention his name and will only go so far as to say that he is notorious enough in the South East that the name JudgeLoooseCannon is not far off.

Anyway, the circuit judge hearing the appeal interrupted my opponent at that stage and with a completely straight face said: “Yes, yes, and what are the other grounds of appeal.”

Despite the fact that the judge may have taken his response from an apocryphal story and also that it reflected badly on his view of my own case, it did raise a smirk in court, particularly I noticed the court clerk suggesting that it can’t have been the first appeal he’d heard from.

August 17, 2016 · Tim Kevan · 4 Comments
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JusticeForSale

BabyB LPlate improved Today I was involved in a tiny case involving a small road traffic accident. Which made it all the more surprising that I found myself against a barrister who was fifteen years call and according to the costs schedule was being paid £2,000 for the day compared to my £350. The thing is, it’s not that I’m a terrible barrister or anything although I don’t pretend to be particularly good either. But this barrister was a veritable Rolls Royce from the start and there is nothing more to say than that he absolutely wiped the floor with me. Kind of like putting a kid in the ring with Mike Tyson and telling him to make the best of it.

Which does make me wonder exactly what is the price of justice. Today it was two grand. On another day, maybe less. If the stakes are higher, I’m sure it could be in the millions. But whatever it is, there’s a price. Otherwise, why would people spend big bucks on big lawyer? Certainly not as some sort of kind charitable gesture to lawyers. As I’ve said so many times. It’s all about the money.

Maybe we should be open and transparent about it and just stick justice on eBay and see what it fetches? Sell it down the Swanee river once and for all and be done with it.

August 10, 2016 · Tim Kevan · 3 Comments
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FifteenthSix

I was against a lady today who was doing her fifteenth six, poor thing. She changed career aged fifty and since having qualified as a barrister has had more than a little trouble finding a set of barristers which will take her on permanently. ‘I’m not going to give up though, BabyB. I haven’t come this far to be defeated by a bunch of ageist, sexist and everything else-ist fools, you know.’

Even the judge seemed to know of her plight. “Any luck with tenancy, yet?” he asked as she entered the room.
“Not just yet, Sir. Maybe this lot’ll keep me.”

Sadly, though, I realised within a few minutes of the case starting that the failure to get taken on so many times had nothing whatsoever to do with her age. Maybe it had something to do with having spent the previous twenty years being an estate agent. Maybe it was just her temperament. Whatever it was, she came across more like a litigant in person than a lawyer, never mind a barrister. Rather than professional detachment, she first of all started haranguing my client about being a liar and then when the judge hinted that she might perhaps want to tone down her cross-examination, she started having a go at him. “Sometimes I think you’re all the same. Judges, barristers, solicitors, what’s the difference? All part of the same club, all nodding and winking at each other whilst you scratch each others’ backs and stitch up the rest of us.”

Thankfully for her, the judge was a good humoured soul who replied with, “Ms FifteenthSix, I am a patient man and have to put up with a lot in this job. I have to put up with rudeness, I have to put up with intemperance and sometimes I even have to put up with insolence, though I must say, rarely from counsel. These are things which I try to bear as a part of my responsibility in seeing that justice ultimately is done.”

He then suddenly put on a much sterner look. “However, one thing which I do not tolerate in this court and even more so from counsel is the mixing of metaphors.”

He looked at FifteenthSix who by this point was looking well and truly back in her box and said very slowly: “Ms FifteenthSix, am I making myself entirely clear?”

August 3, 2016 · Tim Kevan · 2 Comments
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Judicial rumblings

PennyweatherJ_Circuit This week there have been an unusual number of cases adjourning at the judges own order with reasons given such as “too little court time”, “cases not settling” and “inaccurate time estimates”. Whatever it is, some judges can be particularly adept at making a little more time to spend with their families as school holidays kick off. Today I got a call from my solicitor in a case I am booked in to do tomorrow. He told me that the judge had rung him personally and made judicial comment on the fact that he couldn’t believe the case had not settled. “If this case comes before me tomorrow morning,” he had told my solicitor, “wasting valuable court time [for which read “time I could spend with my family”], then I will be seriously considering whether to make wasted costs orders against both sets of solicitors for failing in their duties [presumably to assist the judge in spending more time with his family]”. As always, at the mention of a possible costs order against him personally, the solicitor got straight onto his client and tried to force him to settle. “Unfortunately BabyB, he wants his day in court. Determined to see it through, he says.”

It’ll be interesting to see what the judge has to say about that tomorrow.

July 26, 2016 · Tim Kevan · 3 Comments
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Load of pony

BabyB LPlate improved Yesterday I received an informal consultation form on barristers’ wigs. One minute we hear that they are about to be banned, the next not. What we never hear about is the number of little ponies which have to be killed in the making of each horse-hair wig. Maybe we should get the animal rights brigade involved?

Anyway, I duly filled out the consultation form. Under the section asking us to describe any other style of court dress we would favour I suggested “Batman outfits for barristers, Robin ones for solicitors.” I mean if we’re going to be dressing up then why not let’s go the whole hog? I know I’d choose the caped crusader over someone with a silly wig on their head in any fight. As for women, they’re going to want their own costumes. My suggestion is Catwoman simply on the basis that Wonder Woman would give an unfair advantage with the judges. As for pupils, I’ve suggested they wear red learner plates on their backs followed by green ones for the first year of practice. Oh and if we’re going to have things pinned on to us, then let’s have a few adverts for good measure, tennis player style.

June 21, 2016 · Tim Kevan · 7 Comments
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SnakeEyes

Went off to court with TheBusker today. With him, it’s not always what he says but more the tone and sincerity with which it is said. The Judge had clearly started against him and seemed in a particularly bad mood. TheBusker’s response? To smile at the judge and gently lift his spirits. It was almost like he put on his snake eyes and somehow hypnotised him towards his case. He started off talking about the weather and his journey here and then went on to a bit of gossip from another court. Then he moved on to talking about his own client and a couple of quirks in his personality which had nothing to do with the case whatsoever. Eventually, he came round to mentioning the claim but almost as an aside. His opponent just sat there getting more and more hot under the collar as there was absolutely nothing he could do as TheBusker strolled slowly over the winning line. I mentioned this afterwards and he commented,

“It’s not about the law BabyB and a lot of the time it’s not even about the specific facts. Most of the time it boils down to whether the judge likes your client or not.”

I wouldn’t want to be against TheBusker.

June 14, 2016 · Tim Kevan · One Comment
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ClicheClanger

My solicitor today was ClicheClanger who has spent so many years working in a job he despises that the thought bubbles which plague us all from time to time have slowly transformed themselves into unconscious speech bubbles. Stuff he still thinks is being kept under wraps keeps slipping out like a gentle version of tourrette’s. Kind of just leaks out. As if the walls of his mind have slowly eroded away under the years of resentment and worry.

“Well, BabyB. You know the score. I don’t know why I even bother to write out the instructions.”

Which to be fair he hardly had. All they said was, “Counsel is instructed to win the case.” Anyway, he elaborate further in our telephone conversation,

“It’s all so petty and meaningless. Who cares if he’s a malingerer anyway? I mean I’d malinger given half the chance.”

Then. Before I had the chance to give an awkward reply.

“You just go and bash him on the nose BabyB. Hit him for six just for our insurer clients. Add a bit more misery into our miserable world.”

Then he finished with,

“Yes, you give them their money’s worth, that’s a good lad.”

June 7, 2016 · Tim Kevan · 3 Comments
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RackItUp

When I got up this morning I thought I was destined for a day trawling through papers in chambers. All very relaxing. No worries at all. Until that was, I arrived in chambers to be confronted by HeadClerk looking particularly serious.

‘Mr BabyBarista. I need you to get over to court 6 over the road in twenty minutes. Million pound business dispute. Just need you to hold the fort for RackItUp.’

Hold the fort? Oh, the art of the understatement. I got to court six at ten in the morning with no instructions or any particular idea what the case may even be about. I rang HeadClerk and asked where I might find RackItUp.

‘Well, that’s a good question Mr BabyBarista.’ He paused. ‘You see, he has a case in court 92 and another in court 20. Oh, and then let’s see. There’s another in court 56.’ He paused again. ‘That’s in addition to yours.’

Now don’t get me wrong. I’d already heard about RackItUp’s notorious money-making scheme whereby he gets juniors to do all the work and he just turns up for an hour each day on each of his cases, shows his faces, makes a point of looking deep in consultation with his junior and then dashing off to his next case. It all tends to work quite smoothly on the whole. Unless, that is, one of the juniors is ill. That’s when the QC should be there to step in. Unless that is you’re RackItUp and you’re already juggling too many cases. That’s precisely what happened this morning when his junior in one case called in ill and left a huge gaping hole in his scheme to be filled by a BabyBarista who was completely out of his depth.

When I finally got hold of RackItUp, rushing between two of his courts, all he said was,
‘Don’t worry BabyB. All you’ll have to do today is to sit tight whilst the other side cross-examine our witness. Just keep a good note. You’ll be alright.’

Which would have been okay were it not for the fact that my opponent stopped his cross-examination mid-morning. The judge knew exactly what was going on and was clearly not amused. I asked for an adjournment in order that I might consult with RackItUp.
‘Mr BabyBarista. Either you are prepared for this case which would mean that such an adjournment would be unnecessary.’ He peered at me over his glasses and then continued, ‘Or you are not sufficiently prepared in which case you would have been in breach of the Code of Conduct by accepting the instructions.’ He looked at me and smiled, a cruel, smug kind of smile which said everything. I was skewered.

I stood up and tried to buy some time before my career came crashing to a premature end.
‘Er, My Lord. Er, if it pleases the court. Er.’
‘Yes, Mr BabyBarista. What is it to be.’

I stumbled on a little more before my solicitor tapped me on the shoulder. I turned around and he handed me a note which said, ‘No further questions. Call the next witness Mr James.’
‘Er, My Lord, I have no further questions from this witness. Unless you have any questions My Lord, I would like to call the next witness Mr James.’

Given that I knew absolutely nothing about the case whatsoever, I don’t know how I even managed to get through to lunch given that my opponent was capitalising on my difficulties by keeping his own questions to a minimum. To make matters worse, all that I got from RackItUp at lunchtime when I told him precisely where he could stick his case as far as the afternoon was concerned was,
‘There’s the spirit BabyB. I knew I could rely on you. I’ll take it from here. Tally ho!’

My fee for the day: £100. RackItUp’s combined fees for the day with £3,000 refreshers on each case: £12,000.

May 31, 2016 · Tim Kevan · 3 Comments
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SnakesAndLadders

After a terrible day at court yesterday OldSmoothie had some advice:
‘It’s like snakes and ladders BabyB. You climb to the top of one ladder only to go hurtling down to the bottom just a few moves later. Happens to us all. You may have been a big cheese at university but as the most junior tenant you go back to being pondlife. Which means that you’ll sometimes get treated as such. RackItUp might be at the top of the ladder at the moment but give it a couple of years and he’ll be a judge and go hurtling down to the very bottom of the pond and be passed all the cases the others judges never even want to go near. Just snakes and ladders BabyB. That’s all it is.’