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Year 4, week 17: Fat cats getting fatter

Much chatter at chambers tea today about the Jackson review on costs.
“I have to say that 2010 is shaping up rather well,” said OldSmoothie. “Solicitors not being forced to pay referral fees will mean that they’ll have more money to spend on us.”
“Then there’s all this contingency stuff and nonsense,” said HeadofChambers. “I must say, for something which claims to be trying to cut costs, it’s rather a good deal letting us finally get our hands on a chunk of the damages.”
“Class actions and Lear Jets I shouldn’t wonder,” chuckled TheBusker. “John Grisham eat your heart out.”
“Taking away with one hand and then giving back twice with the other,” said HeadofChambers.
“Offering up bread only for it to come back buttered,” said OldSmoothie.
“More like fat cats getting fatter,” said BusyBody looking at OldSmoothie.
“If you must, young one,” said OldSmoothie in a surprisingly jolly mood. “Indeed, in that sense I will be very happy to be getting fatter.” He patted his stomach theatrically and then his wallet. “Yes very fat indeed.”
“I always knew that the so-called age of austerity wouldn’t apply to lawyers,” said HeadofChambers.
“Very sensible to have had a lawyer doing the review as well,” said OldSmoothie.
“No one better qualified to understand the issues,” said HeadofChambers.
“Indeed so,” said the smooth one.

January 21, 2010 · Tim Kevan · Comments Closed
Posted in: Uncategorized

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• THE MAIN CHARACTERS

• OldSmoothie

  
• Think Peter Bowles in To The Manor Born and Milk Tray Man, but not quite. Once successful barrister now put out to graze as a committee man.

• TheCreep

  
• Jumped up little twerp who sucks up to the big beasts in chambers and struts around as if he's really something when actually he's not.

• SlipperySlope

  
  

  Solicitor skilled in the art of creative billing. Has the airs and graces of a country squire but is more a cross between Arthur Daley and Boycie from 'Only Fools and Horses'.

• Smutton

  
  

  Brassy to UpTights’s classy and yet still, somehow, sexy.

• NurserySlope

  
  

  Solicitor who is SlipperySlope's neice. Skis, rides and looks like a horse.

• JetSet

  
  

  A new solicitor character who's got a training contract and lords it over PanicStricken. She's wealthy, well- connected and spends most weekends either skiing or clubbing abroad.

• ScandalMonger

  
• Ruthless PR guru who has become one of BabyB's secret litigation weapons

• BigMouth

  
• Pompous Tory MP stuck on the backbenches like a piece of old chewing gum

• BusyBody

  
• A whirlwind of interference with a good heart and always up for a fight, particularly with OldSmoothie.

• TopFirst

  
• BabyB’s sworn enemy and former fellow pupil

• BabyBarista

  
• A young Flashman meets Rumpole meets Francis Urquart for the 21st century

• OldFatherTime

  
• A whisper on the wind, Highlander-type figure who is older than time itself

• TheVamp

  
• Tenant in chambers and a walking Carry On film of an innuendo

• OldRuin

  
• How a barrister should be. Dumbledore meets Clarence, the angel in Its a Wonderful Life. BabyB’s redemption.

• TheBusker

  
• Barrister of ten years call with the integrity and decency of OldRuin. Very laid back in his approach to both court and life. Admired by BabyB.

• TheBoss

  
• BabyB’s ex-pupilmaster. Unscrupulous, spineless coward.

• HeadClerk

  
• The real power in chambers. All seeing, all knowing.

• PupilFodder

  
• Learner Barrister foisted upon his unsuspecting client who gets shredded in court

• UpTights

  
• BabyB’s pupilmistress for his second six months who was almost called BoTucks for the work she’s had done. Insists on boundaries and personal space. Has ‘issues’.

• JudgeJewellery

  
• Judge with penchant for stealing high street trinkets