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Treadmills

You’d think with all the money they all earn and the self-important strutting which goes on, that members of chambers would all be blissfully happy. But sadly very often that couldn’t be further from the truth. Today it was OldSmoothie voicing his woes: “You know, BabyB, sometimes I wonder what on earth it’s all about.  I mean, don’t get me wrong, I like the money and let’s face it, there’s a lot.”  He laughed in an over-weight, greed sort of way. “It’s just the treadmill that goes with it. Fully equipped with expensive wife, big house, school fees and all the other necessities of a middle class life in London. What’s worse is the more you earn, the faster gets the treadmill. You know, only this month I’ve just paid out fifty grand on bills of one kind or another. Okay, it’s a bad month but it’s like the treadmill’s on full speed and I wouldn’t be able to jump off even if I wanted.”

Now don’t get me wrong, OldSmoothie doesn’t represent all lawyers and of course i’m sure there are even some happy lawyers. People who dance to work, whistling a merry tune about time sheets and limitation deadlines. People who actually enjoy taking technical points at the expense of justice or truth and maybe even people who put their clients first.

Well, maybe, anyway.

April 5, 2016 · Tim Kevan · 2 Comments
Posted in: Uncategorized

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• THE MAIN CHARACTERS

• OldSmoothie

  
• Think Peter Bowles in To The Manor Born and Milk Tray Man, but not quite. Once successful barrister now put out to graze as a committee man.

• TheCreep

  
• Jumped up little twerp who sucks up to the big beasts in chambers and struts around as if he's really something when actually he's not.

• SlipperySlope

  
  

  Solicitor skilled in the art of creative billing. Has the airs and graces of a country squire but is more a cross between Arthur Daley and Boycie from 'Only Fools and Horses'.

• Smutton

  
  

  Brassy to UpTights’s classy and yet still, somehow, sexy.

• NurserySlope

  
  

  Solicitor who is SlipperySlope's neice. Skis, rides and looks like a horse.

• JetSet

  
  

  A new solicitor character who's got a training contract and lords it over PanicStricken. She's wealthy, well- connected and spends most weekends either skiing or clubbing abroad.

• ScandalMonger

  
• Ruthless PR guru who has become one of BabyB's secret litigation weapons

• BigMouth

  
• Pompous Tory MP stuck on the backbenches like a piece of old chewing gum

• BusyBody

  
• A whirlwind of interference with a good heart and always up for a fight, particularly with OldSmoothie.

• TopFirst

  
• BabyB’s sworn enemy and former fellow pupil

• BabyBarista

  
• A young Flashman meets Rumpole meets Francis Urquart for the 21st century

• OldFatherTime

  
• A whisper on the wind, Highlander-type figure who is older than time itself

• TheVamp

  
• Tenant in chambers and a walking Carry On film of an innuendo

• OldRuin

  
• How a barrister should be. Dumbledore meets Clarence, the angel in Its a Wonderful Life. BabyB’s redemption.

• TheBusker

  
• Barrister of ten years call with the integrity and decency of OldRuin. Very laid back in his approach to both court and life. Admired by BabyB.

• TheBoss

  
• BabyB’s ex-pupilmaster. Unscrupulous, spineless coward.

• HeadClerk

  
• The real power in chambers. All seeing, all knowing.

• PupilFodder

  
• Learner Barrister foisted upon his unsuspecting client who gets shredded in court

• UpTights

  
• BabyB’s pupilmistress for his second six months who was almost called BoTucks for the work she’s had done. Insists on boundaries and personal space. Has ‘issues’.

• JudgeJewellery

  
• Judge with penchant for stealing high street trinkets