BabyBarista

A worm's eye view of the English Bar

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Archive for September, 2015

Lost dreams

I was discussing OldSmoothie and UpTights on Friday with SlipperySlope. “I used to know them both years ago. Rising stars of their generation. Picked out for great things. They even made rather a glamorous couple for all of about a week.” “Oh.” That was news to me. “But now they’re like a couple of old […]

September 29, 2015 · Tim Kevan · Comments Closed
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Judicial blackmail

“Got you a nice little earner for you for tomorrow,” said my Instructing Solicitor SlipperySlope on Monday. “Family case. Very simple.” “But I don’t know anything about family law,” I answered. “Don’t worry about that. You probably still know more than me and anyway, it’ll settle, I promise.” Then he added slightly mysteriously, “The judge’ll […]

September 22, 2015 · Tim Kevan · Comments Closed
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Barristers don’t do non-U

I overheard OldSmoothie lecturing one of the pupils yesterday. “If a solicitor approaches you and says ‘How d’you do?’ you will never again answer in that annoying nasal accent of yours, “Very well, thank you.’ Never. Understand? Non-U and barristers don’t do non-U. Solicitiors might visit the toilet and have settees in their lounges but […]

September 15, 2015 · Tim Kevan · 2 Comments
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Spending a penny

I had a case conference today with two clients. In all we had OldSmoothie, myself, TheVamp and TheCreep all representing the Bar and SlipperySlope, NurserySlope and four other people representing the other half of the profession. Ten lawyers billing out an average of perhaps £400 an hour bringing it to some £4,000 an hour in […]

September 8, 2015 · Tim Kevan · Comments Closed
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In my dreams

“What would be your dream life, BabyB?” asked OldRuin over coffee this morning. “I’ve no idea,” I replied. “But I guess it’d have to involve having financial security for my mother. Maybe pay off her debts, get her a bigger house.” “And what would you be doing?” “I don’t know. I never imagined I’d be […]

September 1, 2015 · Tim Kevan · Comments Closed
Posted in: Uncategorized

• THE MAIN CHARACTERS

• OldSmoothie

  
• Think Peter Bowles in To The Manor Born and Milk Tray Man, but not quite. Once successful barrister now put out to graze as a committee man.

• TheCreep

  
• Jumped up little twerp who sucks up to the big beasts in chambers and struts around as if he's really something when actually he's not.

• SlipperySlope

  
  

  Solicitor skilled in the art of creative billing. Has the airs and graces of a country squire but is more a cross between Arthur Daley and Boycie from 'Only Fools and Horses'.

• Smutton

  
  

  Brassy to UpTights’s classy and yet still, somehow, sexy.

• NurserySlope

  
  

  Solicitor who is SlipperySlope's neice. Skis, rides and looks like a horse.

• JetSet

  
  

  A new solicitor character who's got a training contract and lords it over PanicStricken. She's wealthy, well- connected and spends most weekends either skiing or clubbing abroad.

• ScandalMonger

  
• Ruthless PR guru who has become one of BabyB's secret litigation weapons

• BigMouth

  
• Pompous Tory MP stuck on the backbenches like a piece of old chewing gum

• BusyBody

  
• A whirlwind of interference with a good heart and always up for a fight, particularly with OldSmoothie.

• TopFirst

  
• BabyB’s sworn enemy and former fellow pupil

• BabyBarista

  
• A young Flashman meets Rumpole meets Francis Urquart for the 21st century

• OldFatherTime

  
• A whisper on the wind, Highlander-type figure who is older than time itself

• TheVamp

  
• Tenant in chambers and a walking Carry On film of an innuendo

• OldRuin

  
• How a barrister should be. Dumbledore meets Clarence, the angel in Its a Wonderful Life. BabyB’s redemption.

• TheBusker

  
• Barrister of ten years call with the integrity and decency of OldRuin. Very laid back in his approach to both court and life. Admired by BabyB.

• TheBoss

  
• BabyB’s ex-pupilmaster. Unscrupulous, spineless coward.

• HeadClerk

  
• The real power in chambers. All seeing, all knowing.

• PupilFodder

  
• Learner Barrister foisted upon his unsuspecting client who gets shredded in court

• UpTights

  
• BabyB’s pupilmistress for his second six months who was almost called BoTucks for the work she’s had done. Insists on boundaries and personal space. Has ‘issues’.

• JudgeJewellery

  
• Judge with penchant for stealing high street trinkets