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A worm's eye view of the English Bar

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Not a penny more

Old Smoothie popped round to UpTights’ room yesterday.  They have a case listed against each other next week and he wanted to try and settle it early.  OldSmoothie is for a mother who was knocked over by a drunk driver and seriously injured.

“The Clerks tell me we’re against each other next week,” said OldSmoothie.

“So it seems,” she replied curtly.

“Yes, well.  As you might imagine, she’s not in a good way and I’m keen to settle this if we can and avoid her having to go through the ordeal of a court hearing.”

“I’m sure you are, OldSmoothie.  On a CFA by any chance?”

“Still your old charming self UpTights, I see.  Anyway, my instructions said you might have an offer for me.  No point playing games with each other at our age.  What’s your bottom line?”

“Touché OldSmoothie.  At least you’ll always be the elder.”

“So what can you come up with?  We’ve already said we’d go away for £200,000.”

“Fair enough [OldSmoothie].  You’re right.  Cutting to the chase.  The very maximum we’ll go up to is £120,000 and not a penny more.  No games remember so that’s the absolute tops.  Not a single penny more.  Understood?  Not a penny.”

“Understood.  Not a penny.  I’ll go and take instructions.”

OldSmoothie left and then returned about an hour later.

“Well UpTights.  I’ve taken instructions on your offer and it is rejected and we counter-offer with £120,000 and…”

He paused, for effect,

“…one penny.”  He smirked directly at her.

“I hope you’re joking.  I don’t believe that’s what your client would have said.”

“Funny sense of humour, my client.”

“As if.  Completely out of order.  What if I say no and your client loses the offer?”

“But you won’t UpTights.  I know you too well.  You wouldn’t want to lose face with your beloved cash cow of an insurance company over one pence.  Now, off you go and take instructions if you really need to.  You might want to get back by 3pm as my solicitors will start preparing the trial bundle and incurring even more costs after that.  Cheerio!”

Cheerio?  I thought that was just a breakfast cereal.  Anyway, as he waltzed out, UpTights was fuming as you might imagine.  She didn’t say a word to me even though she was walking round the room at a hundred miles an hour and steam might almost have been coming out of her ears.

At one minute to three, she rang OldSmoothie and fired into the phone, “Agreed OldSmoothie.  Never ever do that to me again” before slamming it back down.

January 18, 2017 · Tim Kevan · 7 Comments
Posted in: Uncategorized

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• THE MAIN CHARACTERS

• OldSmoothie

  
• Think Peter Bowles in To The Manor Born and Milk Tray Man, but not quite. Once successful barrister now put out to graze as a committee man.

• TheCreep

  
• Jumped up little twerp who sucks up to the big beasts in chambers and struts around as if he's really something when actually he's not.

• SlipperySlope

  
  

  Solicitor skilled in the art of creative billing. Has the airs and graces of a country squire but is more a cross between Arthur Daley and Boycie from 'Only Fools and Horses'.

• Smutton

  
  

  Brassy to UpTights’s classy and yet still, somehow, sexy.

• NurserySlope

  
  

  Solicitor who is SlipperySlope's neice. Skis, rides and looks like a horse.

• JetSet

  
  

  A new solicitor character who's got a training contract and lords it over PanicStricken. She's wealthy, well- connected and spends most weekends either skiing or clubbing abroad.

• ScandalMonger

  
• Ruthless PR guru who has become one of BabyB's secret litigation weapons

• BigMouth

  
• Pompous Tory MP stuck on the backbenches like a piece of old chewing gum

• BusyBody

  
• A whirlwind of interference with a good heart and always up for a fight, particularly with OldSmoothie.

• TopFirst

  
• BabyB’s sworn enemy and former fellow pupil

• BabyBarista

  
• A young Flashman meets Rumpole meets Francis Urquart for the 21st century

• OldFatherTime

  
• A whisper on the wind, Highlander-type figure who is older than time itself

• TheVamp

  
• Tenant in chambers and a walking Carry On film of an innuendo

• OldRuin

  
• How a barrister should be. Dumbledore meets Clarence, the angel in Its a Wonderful Life. BabyB’s redemption.

• TheBusker

  
• Barrister of ten years call with the integrity and decency of OldRuin. Very laid back in his approach to both court and life. Admired by BabyB.

• TheBoss

  
• BabyB’s ex-pupilmaster. Unscrupulous, spineless coward.

• HeadClerk

  
• The real power in chambers. All seeing, all knowing.

• PupilFodder

  
• Learner Barrister foisted upon his unsuspecting client who gets shredded in court

• UpTights

  
• BabyB’s pupilmistress for his second six months who was almost called BoTucks for the work she’s had done. Insists on boundaries and personal space. Has ‘issues’.

• JudgeJewellery

  
• Judge with penchant for stealing high street trinkets