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Glasses

BusyBody was in chambers today. “Hi BabyB.  I’m back in court next week. How do you like my new deadly weapon?”
“Sorry, I don’t know what you mean.”
“My new glasses, silly.”
“Oh. But I didn’t know you ever needed glasses before,” I answered, looking at the thick rimmed pair that now adorned her face.
“I still don’t.”
“Oh.”
“Don’t you get it? They’re great. They’re just filled with plain old glass.”
“But why?”
“Well not only do they make me look more intelligent, kind of Lois Lane style but they’re also going to work a treat when I cross-examine and spin them around and about.” She took them off and me a lingering and slightly made stare as she rabidly spun the glasses around in her left hand.

I think I must have looked just a tiny bit sceptical. “You see BabyB.  According to my advocacy and all round general life coach, he says that not only will the action of taking off the glasses intimidate the witness but when you spin them around it’ll completely distract them and allow me to trip them up.”

Suddenly I had a vision of armies of BusyBodies entering the courts all over the land wearing the same silly glasses and then brandishing them at anyone who got in their way like some sort of weird sword.

September 21, 2016 · Tim Kevan · 3 Comments
Posted in: Uncategorized

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• THE MAIN CHARACTERS

• OldSmoothie

  
• Think Peter Bowles in To The Manor Born and Milk Tray Man, but not quite. Once successful barrister now put out to graze as a committee man.

• TheCreep

  
• Jumped up little twerp who sucks up to the big beasts in chambers and struts around as if he's really something when actually he's not.

• SlipperySlope

  
  

  Solicitor skilled in the art of creative billing. Has the airs and graces of a country squire but is more a cross between Arthur Daley and Boycie from 'Only Fools and Horses'.

• Smutton

  
  

  Brassy to UpTights’s classy and yet still, somehow, sexy.

• NurserySlope

  
  

  Solicitor who is SlipperySlope's neice. Skis, rides and looks like a horse.

• JetSet

  
  

  A new solicitor character who's got a training contract and lords it over PanicStricken. She's wealthy, well- connected and spends most weekends either skiing or clubbing abroad.

• ScandalMonger

  
• Ruthless PR guru who has become one of BabyB's secret litigation weapons

• BigMouth

  
• Pompous Tory MP stuck on the backbenches like a piece of old chewing gum

• BusyBody

  
• A whirlwind of interference with a good heart and always up for a fight, particularly with OldSmoothie.

• TopFirst

  
• BabyB’s sworn enemy and former fellow pupil

• BabyBarista

  
• A young Flashman meets Rumpole meets Francis Urquart for the 21st century

• OldFatherTime

  
• A whisper on the wind, Highlander-type figure who is older than time itself

• TheVamp

  
• Tenant in chambers and a walking Carry On film of an innuendo

• OldRuin

  
• How a barrister should be. Dumbledore meets Clarence, the angel in Its a Wonderful Life. BabyB’s redemption.

• TheBusker

  
• Barrister of ten years call with the integrity and decency of OldRuin. Very laid back in his approach to both court and life. Admired by BabyB.

• TheBoss

  
• BabyB’s ex-pupilmaster. Unscrupulous, spineless coward.

• HeadClerk

  
• The real power in chambers. All seeing, all knowing.

• PupilFodder

  
• Learner Barrister foisted upon his unsuspecting client who gets shredded in court

• UpTights

  
• BabyB’s pupilmistress for his second six months who was almost called BoTucks for the work she’s had done. Insists on boundaries and personal space. Has ‘issues’.

• JudgeJewellery

  
• Judge with penchant for stealing high street trinkets