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Bare garden

This morning I visited the so-called ‘bear garden’ in the high courts for the first time with a case of my own.  Whenever I’ve seen the place before it’s like a vision of hell with lawyers piled high all arguing aloud like some kind of terrible legal trading floor.  Today though, it was completely and utterly silent.  Not a lawyer in sight.  Not even an opponent.  Now admittedly all I was doing was handing in agreed directions, (hard days work if ever there was one) and so I guess not having an opponent was not actually a complete surprise.  But what has happened to the bear garden?  Is litigation coming to an end?  All cases settling?  For the sake of the profession, that would be a most terrible thing.

But just when I was even starting to wonder if I’d somehow got the wrong day or something, who should pass through but OldFatherTime himself.  The old ex-law lord who still strolls around the Temple and also it now seems the high court.  We have now met on quite a few occasions and this time he recognised me. “Ah, hello, young man.  It’s rather quiet around here don’t you think?”
“I was wondering about that myself.  Do you think perhaps people have decided to stop litigating or something?”
“Don’t worry about that young man.  So long as people remain greedy, vain and proud they will continue to waste their hard-earned money in fights so complicated and expensive that only the ingenious imagination of a lawyer could ever have invented.”

Then he looked at me with a smile before adding: “But remember young man, for every thousand meaningless cases that you churn out just for the money, there’ll be one in which you might actually make a difference.”

I’m not sure quite how to take those kind of statistics but as he went on his way, he turned around and added: “Believe me, when you get that case you’ll know.  Oh, please do pass on my very best to OldRuin.”

October 5, 2016 · Tim Kevan · One Comment
Posted in: Uncategorized

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• Law and Peace

  Law and Peace is the second novel in The BabyBarista Files and was published in 2011. It was described by the Daily Mail as a “funny, sharp account of backstabbing Bar life…highly recommended” and by broadcaster Jeremy Vine as “a novel bursting with invention”.

• THE MAIN CHARACTERS

• PanicStricken

  
  

  A new character who's desperate for a training contract but has just been demoted from minimum wage legal assistant to unpaid intern

• OldSmoothie

  
• Think Peter Bowles in To The Manor Born and Milk Tray Man, but not quite. Once successful barrister now put out to graze as a committee man.
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• TheCreep

  
• Jumped up little twerp who sucks up to the big beasts in chambers and struts around as if he's really something when actually he's not.

• SlipperySlope

  
  

  Solicitor skilled in the art of creative billing. Has the airs and graces of a country squire but is more a cross between Arthur Daley and Boycie from 'Only Fools and Horses'.

• Smutton

  
  

  Brassy to UpTights’s classy and yet still, somehow, sexy.

• NurserySlope

  
  

  Solicitor who is SlipperySlope's neice. Skis, rides and looks like a horse.

• JetSet

  
  

  A new solicitor character who's got a training contract and lords it over PanicStricken. She's wealthy, well- connected and spends most weekends either skiing or clubbing abroad.

• ScandalMonger

  
• Ruthless PR guru who has become one of BabyB's secret litigation weapons

• BigMouth

  
• Pompous Tory MP stuck on the backbenches like a piece of old chewing gum

• BusyBody

  
• A whirlwind of interference with a good heart and always up for a fight, particularly with OldSmoothie.

• TopFirst

  
• BabyB’s sworn enemy and former fellow pupil

• BabyBarista

  
• A young Flashman meets Rumpole meets Francis Urquart for the 21st century

• OldFatherTime

  
• A whisper on the wind, Highlander-type figure who is older than time itself

• TheVamp

  
• Tenant in chambers and a walking Carry On film of an innuendo

• OldRuin

  
• How a barrister should be. Dumbledore meets Clarence, the angel in Its a Wonderful Life. BabyB’s redemption.

• TheBusker

  
• Barrister of ten years call with the integrity and decency of OldRuin. Very laid back in his approach to both court and life. Admired by BabyB.

• TheBoss

  
• BabyB’s ex-pupilmaster. Unscrupulous, spineless coward.

• HeadClerk

  
• The real power in chambers. All seeing, all knowing.

• PupilFodder

  
• Learner Barrister foisted upon his unsuspecting client who gets shredded in court

• UpTights

  
• BabyB’s pupilmistress for his second six months who was almost called BoTucks for the work she’s had done. Insists on boundaries and personal space. Has ‘issues’.

• JudgeJewellery

  
• Judge with penchant for stealing high street trinkets