The lawyers always win

As OldSmoothie was walking into the clerks room this morning, everyone could hear him bellowing into his beloved iPhone. “Mother, as I’ve said before, if I only have one wise thing to say in my whole being it is that you should avoid litigation like the plague.”

He looked around the room and realising he had an audience warmed to his theme. “But even more than that,” he said, “you should never, and I repeat, never, ever go to trial. It’s nothing more than a glorified casino and as with every such institution the only people who ever win are the house. In this case that’s the greedy lawyers who will steal away your life savings without even flinching. Believe me, I should know.”

As he came off the phone HeadClerk approached him and said, “Er, your expert in the case next week has just turned on your client and your solicitor wants to know if he should settle or not?”

“What’s my fee if it settles now?”

“The brief hasn’t been delivered yet and so to date you’re due £12,000.”

“And my fee if it fights?”

“An additional £20,000 on the brief and £3,000 refreshers. So if it goes the full two weeks that should be another £50,000. So what are you going to tell the solicitor?”

The whole of the clerks room was looking at him given the conversation they’d just overheard with his mother.

“Well, obviously I’ll need to spend several hours carefully reviewing the new evidence.”

“Quite so,” said HeadClerk.

“And then I’ll have to weigh it in the balance alongside the offer.”


“After which I would guess that on balance, and subject of course to much careful thought and a little soul searching…the case will probably fight.”

“Careful thought might be one thing,” said BusyBody. “But I really think that the search for the soul of OldSmoothie might prove about as fruitful as the search for rocking horse, er, droppings.”

“Or, you might say, the search for an honest lawyer,” chuckled TheVamp.

BabyBarista is a fictional account of a junior barrister written by Tim Kevan whose new novel is Law and Peace. For more information visit and to read past posts visit Cartoons by Alex Williams, author of 101 Ways to Leave the Law.

November 5, 2013 · Tim Kevan · Comments Closed
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