The lawyer in your head

“Sometimes I hate being a lawyer,” said UpTights.

“Sometimes?” smiled TheVamp.

“That’s not fair. You love it, you hate it. But what I really can’t stand is when the little lawyer in your head starts crying blue murder just because you’ve spotted an inconsistency in what someone has just said to you.”

“I know what you mean,” said HeadofChambers. “You might be at the shops asking polite questions when suddenly you realise that the person is basing his answers on assumptions, not on actual facts known to him. Before I know it I’m squaring up, wagging my finger, pulling off my glasses and he’s under the glare of a more than averagely aggressive cross-examination.”

“It’s poor call-centre operatives that get my cross-examination juices flowing,” said OldSmoothie. “It’s a bit like a doctor spotting sickness. But instead, I just spot lies.”

“What a thoroughly cheery man you are,” said TheVamp.

“It’s the small print in contracts which make me wish I wasn’t a lawyer,” said TheCreep. “When someone presents me with an agreement which is five pages long I’m physically unable to sign it without reading through the ridiculous set of disclaimers and ifs and buts. But worse still is that all I actually manage to pick up on is typos and grammatical errors.”

“Why doesn’t that surprise me,” said TheVamp.

“Yet it’s not as if most people are either going to change their standard terms or indeed would know how even if they wanted to,” said TheBusker.

“I understand all that,” said BusyBody. “But I also have to admit that ever since I started practising, the details of life have taken on far more significance than they used to. It’s as if your mind has been fitted with a microscope focused only on the small print.”

“I’ve always taken the view that life’s just too short to be worrying about such details,” said OldRuin. “My late wife taught me many years ago that for the sake of my sanity I must approach not only contracts but life in general as if I had never studied law or even heard of the word disclaimer.”

BabyBarista is a fictional account of a junior barrister written by Tim Kevan whose new novel is Law and Peace. For more information and to read past posts visit Cartoons by Alex Williams, author of 101 Ways to Leave the Law.

July 30, 2012 · Tim Kevan · Comments Closed
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