The Lawyers’ Olympics

“I’ve decided to buy one of those Olympic torches on eBay,” declared OldSmoothie today.

“Why on earth?” said BusyBody.

“Simply because I can,” said OldSmoothie. “Money talks and it makes me happy.”

“It completely undermines the whole amateur ethos of the Olympics,” said TheVamp.

“Amateur? You’ve got to be joking. An event that costs billions to put on and involves countless high-paid professional athletes. I hardly think there’s anything left to undermine,” he replied.

“Maybe you could organise a Lawyers’ Olympics?” said OldRuin.

“Yes, I can see it now,” said Teflon, “with events such as the Billathon in which lawyers see how many billable hours they can rack up in a single period of one day.”

“The world record being that held by Slippery at over a hundred hours,” said BusyBody.

“Then there’d be Synchronised Billing with teams of lawyers all churning out the same pro forma letters in tandem,” said TheBusker.

“And the Modern Spentathlon in which competitors are judged on how quickly they can spend their client’s money without them noticing,” said HeadofChambers.

“As for sailing,” said TheVamp, “it’d have to be a competition as to who could sail closest to the wind in professional conduct terms without getting caught.”

“And swimming would be a test of how easily you can get yourself out of dangerously deep water,” said BusyBody.

“Then there would be the Olympic Trap in which witnesses are thrown in front of barristers ready to be caught out at the slightest inconsistency or error,” said TheCreep.

“Or Verbal Gymnastics in which lawyers compete as to how far each can stretch the use of the English language without it in fact snapping altogether.”

“I was more thinking along the lines of croquet, bridge or Boris Johnson’s favourite of wiff waff,” said OldRuin. “Although my favourite sport as a pupil involved seeing how far you could get a paper aeroplane to fly from the top window of the Middle Temple library. I’ve wasted many enjoyable hours idling over that.”

BabyBarista is a fictional account of a junior barrister written by Tim Kevan whose new novel is Law and Peace. For more information and to read past posts visit babybarista.com. Cartoons by Alex Williams, author of 101 Ways to Leave the Law.

June 6, 2012 · Tim Kevan · Comments Closed
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