Lucky trial knickers

“I see you’ve got your lucky tie on today, Sir,” said HeadClerk.

“Never fails,” said OldSmoothie. “I’ve won ten in a row with it so far.”

“Well you might find it a little more difficult than usual,” said TheBusker.
“Since TheVamp says that she’s against you.”

“This old tie won out last time we had a case,” he replied.

“Ah, but this time she says she’s resorted to sporting her lucky trial knickers,” said TheBusker.

“Oh,” said OldSmoothie.

“Exactly,” said TheBusker.

“It is true to say, Sir, that TheVamp’s special pair of lucky trial knickers have served her well down the years. Only brings them out for the big cases but according to my records…”

At which he opened an Excel spreadsheet. “…So far she has won exactly forty-three cases in the last five years and lost none.”

“With that kind of a record, I think my football team could do with some of TheVamp’s lucky trial knickers…” said TheBusker.

“Er…” OldSmoothie took a deep breath but then thought better of lowering the tone of the conversation even further.

“You don’t look quite so confident now,” said BusyBody. “Knickers trumps tie every time.”

“I think you may need to resort to the Robing Room Riot Act Defence,” said Teflon.

“What on earth’s that?” asked TheCreep looking very perturbed that he might have missed out on a vital bit of legal information.

“It’s a low down dirty trick, that’s what it is,” said BusyBody. “I’m going to ring TheVamp and warn her to get it in first.”

“If you remember, she always thinks she wins more cases when she leaves her mobile off within two hours of kick-off,” said OldSmoothie. “Shame.”

“But what is this so-called Defence?” persisted TheCreep.

“It’s an old lawyers’ superstition,” said Teflon. “When all else fails, on the scissors, paper, stone game of lucky trial charms, it was often said that if someone read the first two lines of the Riot Act 1714 to their opponent in the robing room just before the case started then the other side were doomed.”

“With nerves jangling it can completely spook the other side'” said HeadofChambers. “Though for what it’s worth it’s considered extremely dastardly and certainly not something you’d ever inflict on a member of your own chambers.”

“Unless you’re called OldSmoothie,” said BusyBody.

“I’ve often reflected on why lawyers are so very superstitious,” said OldRuin. “I guess it’s because ultimately they’re like high rolling gamblers with their whole careers sometimes determined by the roll of a dice or in their case the capricious nature which can sometimes emanate from certain members of the judiciary.”

“So knickers trumps tie but Riot Act trumps all. Are there any others I should know?” said TheCreep furiously taking notes as he desperately tried to keep up.

BabyBarista is a fictional account of a junior barrister written by Tim Kevan whose new novel is Law and Peace. For more information and to read past posts visit Cartoons by Alex Williams, author of 101 Ways to Leave the Law.

March 14, 2012 · Tim Kevan · Comments Closed
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