BabyBarista

A worm's eye view of the English Bar

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Judge not lest yet be judged

If judges are going to start assessing barristers then let’s have barristers assessing them back

“I have to say I’m very much looking forward to the government implementing their plan to have judges assessing criminal advocates,” said OldSmoothie.
“You what?” said TheVamp looking incredulous.
“Yes, ever since I started doing my part-time judging, it’s the criminal barristers in particular that are most jumped-up and irksome. Never seem to know their place. This, at least, might make them a little more respectful.”
“Er, isn’t that exactly why the idea is a bad thing?” said BusyBody. “Barristers need to be fearless in defence of their clients.”
“Fearless? Pah! Paper tigers more like,” said HeadofChambers. “As soon as I start threatening them with a wasted costs order against them personally there’s many a junior barrister in particular who will completely dismount from his or her moral high horse and all of a sudden be quite prepared to do anything I suggest.”
“I find that threatening to report them to their own chambers has just the same effect,” said OldSmoothie.
“And you think adding another weapon to the arsenal of the bully judge is really going to help the cause of justice and a fair trial?” said BusyBody.
“Maybe not,” said OldSmoothie. “But it’s certainly another thing which might help me get the case finished early enough for me to hit the golf course by the afternoon.”
“You know, I think that if they’re going to have judges assessing barristers, then it’s only fair that barristers should in turn get the right to assess judges. Maybe we could even make their pay contingent on getting good marks.”
“I hardly think they’d allow that,” said OldSmoothie. “It would completely undermine the whole principle of the independence of the judiciary.”
“Exactly,” said BusyBody.

BabyBarista is a fictional account of a junior barrister written by Tim Kevan whose new novel is Law and Peace. For more information and to read past posts visit babybarista.com. Cartoons by Alex Williams, author of 101 Ways to Leave the Law.

February 24, 2012 · Tim Kevan · Comments Closed
Posted in: Uncategorized

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• THE MAIN CHARACTERS

• OldSmoothie

  
• Think Peter Bowles in To The Manor Born and Milk Tray Man, but not quite. Once successful barrister now put out to graze as a committee man.

• TheCreep

  
• Jumped up little twerp who sucks up to the big beasts in chambers and struts around as if he's really something when actually he's not.

• SlipperySlope

  
  

  Solicitor skilled in the art of creative billing. Has the airs and graces of a country squire but is more a cross between Arthur Daley and Boycie from 'Only Fools and Horses'.

• Smutton

  
  

  Brassy to UpTights’s classy and yet still, somehow, sexy.

• NurserySlope

  
  

  Solicitor who is SlipperySlope's neice. Skis, rides and looks like a horse.

• JetSet

  
  

  A new solicitor character who's got a training contract and lords it over PanicStricken. She's wealthy, well- connected and spends most weekends either skiing or clubbing abroad.

• ScandalMonger

  
• Ruthless PR guru who has become one of BabyB's secret litigation weapons

• BigMouth

  
• Pompous Tory MP stuck on the backbenches like a piece of old chewing gum

• BusyBody

  
• A whirlwind of interference with a good heart and always up for a fight, particularly with OldSmoothie.

• TopFirst

  
• BabyB’s sworn enemy and former fellow pupil

• BabyBarista

  
• A young Flashman meets Rumpole meets Francis Urquart for the 21st century

• OldFatherTime

  
• A whisper on the wind, Highlander-type figure who is older than time itself

• TheVamp

  
• Tenant in chambers and a walking Carry On film of an innuendo

• OldRuin

  
• How a barrister should be. Dumbledore meets Clarence, the angel in Its a Wonderful Life. BabyB’s redemption.

• TheBusker

  
• Barrister of ten years call with the integrity and decency of OldRuin. Very laid back in his approach to both court and life. Admired by BabyB.

• TheBoss

  
• BabyB’s ex-pupilmaster. Unscrupulous, spineless coward.

• HeadClerk

  
• The real power in chambers. All seeing, all knowing.

• PupilFodder

  
• Learner Barrister foisted upon his unsuspecting client who gets shredded in court

• UpTights

  
• BabyB’s pupilmistress for his second six months who was almost called BoTucks for the work she’s had done. Insists on boundaries and personal space. Has ‘issues’.

• JudgeJewellery

  
• Judge with penchant for stealing high street trinkets