Guest post by Matt Muttley from Charon QC’s Blog

I’m delighted that today I have my first guest post which comes from my good friend, fellow blogger and all round good egg Charon QC. There’s not many things that he hasn’t seen in his time at the Bar (or indeed varieties of Rioja he hasn’t drunk for that matter) and I’m always grateful for his help and advice. Today he got me instructions from the infamous Matt Muttley, CEO of Muttley Dastardly LLP whose many and varied escapades you can read about here. The instructions were as follows and my advice will follow on this blog in the next week or two. Any suggestions?

1. You are asked to advise on the structure and draft of ‘poison pill’ clauses and ‘zone of uncertainty’ provisions for inclusion in our Standard Form Contracts in relation to goods and generally.  It is our practice at Muttley Dastardly LLP to provide our clients with commercial agreements which are bullet proof in terms of litigation. Our technique has been (a) to deter those with whom our clients contract from bringing actions under the contract and (b) to inculcate a sense of angst, trepidation and, if needs be, pure unadulterated terror, in the mind of the other contracting party such that they will not even think about bringing an action for breach of contract.
2. Counsel is asked to ensure that there is sufficient obfuscation built into the wording of the clause – to tax even the brightest lawyers and, of course, the judge should we be unfortunate to be placed in the position of a judge determining our client’s freedom to contract as he pleases (Infra)
3. We pride ourselves that no commercial agreement we have drafted has ever been litigated.  We would regard it as abject failure for such a contract to be litigated because aside from causing the client loss it would impact negatively on our reputation and this is, of course, far more important.
4. Charon QC normally advises on these matters, but apart from being away on a ‘frolic of his own’ spending time with his wine cellar and writing a book on the Law of Tort – god help us – we would like to dispense a bit of largesse to our brother lawyers at the hard pressed bar.  The modest fee of £100 guineas reflects your relative juniority at The Bar, the fact that this is a first ‘test’,  and our natural parsimony.
5. We have noted from your blog your preparedness to be duplicitous and, frankly, nakedly greedy and venal.  The Partners admire such qualities in counsel and I would hope that you are able to live up to these standards in the advice you tender.  Fail and TopFirst will be invited to step up to the bar you failed to reach.  I trust that I make myself clear and that these instructions are also clear?

June 20, 2010 · Tim Kevan · 3 Comments
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3 Responses

  1. Charon QC - June 20, 2010

    Babybarista – You will, of course, understand that it is our practice, consistent with ‘Best Practice’ of many law firms, to settle Counsel’s fees in due course.

    By ‘due course’ I think it fair to say that you should plan for a BACS payment in 2014…. probably in July, after Wimbledon.

    I look forward to receiving your advice. I was a bit surprised not to have received it today – but Eva Braun my PA reminded me as I was perusing the excellent Bar Standard’s Board website that it is still Saturday…..

    Would 0900 Hrs Sunday suit you?

    Best wishes

    Matt Mattley
    CEO, Managing Partner, Muttley Dastardly
    President Megaladon International LLP

    Strength & Profits

  2. The Judge - June 20, 2010

    BabyBarista- I am surprised you require advice on Muttley Dastardly LLP. It is simple a quick reply on a rat eaten old card simply saying SOD OFF should suffice. It must be remembered that even the most junior Barrister has more knowledge and intellectual cunning than even the most seasoned member of the Muttley clan. Talking of seasoning it would not be out of order to roast a Muttley and have them served at the next meeting of instructing solicitors as a warning to all that offering the insulting fee of £100 guineas will be met with a good roasting.

  3. Muttley Dastardly LLP instructs Babybarista and Charon for Government wine drinking Tzar?! « Charon QC - June 20, 2010

    […] Sunday, June 20, 2010 by charonqc It being a Sunday, I don’t feel any sense of angst or the need to wring hands about not writing seriously about law. That can wait until Monday, when I shall do so.  I am pleased to be able to report that my mate Tim Kevan, author of Babybarista and I came up with an idea unfuelled by copious amounts of Rioja.  We plan to involve my entirely fictional law firm Muttley Dastardly LLP with Babybarista.  I have penned the first such guest post on his blog.  “Instructions to Counsel” from Matt Mattley, CEO and managing partner of Muttley Dastardly LLP.  Although the idea to do this was unfuelled by Rioja… I cannot lie.  I was serendipitously overrefreshed  when I wrote the instructions to counsel. […]