BabyBarista

A worm's eye view of the English Bar

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Year 4, week 9: peer to peer

Politics seems to be in the air this week what with SlipperySlope’s lamenting New Labour sleaze and then later OldSmoothie walking around preening himself like a peacock following a conversation he’d had with an old university chum who’s now a Tory MP. “Yes,” he boomed at ChambersTea,“they’re scouting around for new talent at the moment to fill up The Other Place as soon as they get in.”
“Hmm. Scouting for Boys. Now where have I heard that motto before,” said BusyBody sarcastically.
TheBusker smiled seeing comedy value from all angles. “Reminds me of another childhood innuendo over the Everest pictures which said “Edmund Hillary with Sherpa tensing. Which one of the two was tensing and why was something which caused no end of mirth.” Then he brought OldSmoothie back to his vanity musings with, “But sorry OldSmoothie. You were saying. The Other Place. You don’t mean…” He paused theatrically and looked towards the ceiling.
“Of course I don’t,” OldSmoothie stammered impatiently. “I mean that they’re talking about making me a Peer.”
“What, like Brighton Pier?” asked TheBusker quizzically and before OldSmoothie was even given the chance to rise, BusyBody continued the double act with: “or is it something to do with, watering your horse…you know, like leaking the lizard, draining the dragon…” Then she added pensively: “Hmm, a professional peer. Imagine that.”
“Ooh, feisty one you are!” said TheCreep who’s just recently been told that The Inbetweeners is funny and thinks he might catch a bit of it by continually quoting from it.
“Lord Percy of Porcelain,” added BusyBody ignoring TheCreep.
“I once knew a girl who only hung out with aristocracy," said TheBusker getting distracted again. "They always dragged out that old gag about the paddle steamer.”
“Ah, as in always moving from peer to peer,” said HeadofChambers waking up. “Yes, I always liked that one.”
“Or TheLibrarian,” added TheBusker.
“Hmm,” said HeadofChambers as if he was treating it like a cryptic crossword. “Got it! Extremely fond of good titles. I like it.”

By which point OldSmoothie’s attempt at taking himself too seriously were well and truly scuppered.

November 25, 2009 · Tim Kevan · One Comment
Posted in: Uncategorized

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• THE MAIN CHARACTERS

• OldSmoothie

  
• Think Peter Bowles in To The Manor Born and Milk Tray Man, but not quite. Once successful barrister now put out to graze as a committee man.

• TheCreep

  
• Jumped up little twerp who sucks up to the big beasts in chambers and struts around as if he's really something when actually he's not.

• SlipperySlope

  
  

  Solicitor skilled in the art of creative billing. Has the airs and graces of a country squire but is more a cross between Arthur Daley and Boycie from 'Only Fools and Horses'.

• Smutton

  
  

  Brassy to UpTights’s classy and yet still, somehow, sexy.

• NurserySlope

  
  

  Solicitor who is SlipperySlope's neice. Skis, rides and looks like a horse.

• JetSet

  
  

  A new solicitor character who's got a training contract and lords it over PanicStricken. She's wealthy, well- connected and spends most weekends either skiing or clubbing abroad.

• ScandalMonger

  
• Ruthless PR guru who has become one of BabyB's secret litigation weapons

• BigMouth

  
• Pompous Tory MP stuck on the backbenches like a piece of old chewing gum

• BusyBody

  
• A whirlwind of interference with a good heart and always up for a fight, particularly with OldSmoothie.

• TopFirst

  
• BabyB’s sworn enemy and former fellow pupil

• BabyBarista

  
• A young Flashman meets Rumpole meets Francis Urquart for the 21st century

• OldFatherTime

  
• A whisper on the wind, Highlander-type figure who is older than time itself

• TheVamp

  
• Tenant in chambers and a walking Carry On film of an innuendo

• OldRuin

  
• How a barrister should be. Dumbledore meets Clarence, the angel in Its a Wonderful Life. BabyB’s redemption.

• TheBusker

  
• Barrister of ten years call with the integrity and decency of OldRuin. Very laid back in his approach to both court and life. Admired by BabyB.

• TheBoss

  
• BabyB’s ex-pupilmaster. Unscrupulous, spineless coward.

• HeadClerk

  
• The real power in chambers. All seeing, all knowing.

• PupilFodder

  
• Learner Barrister foisted upon his unsuspecting client who gets shredded in court

• UpTights

  
• BabyB’s pupilmistress for his second six months who was almost called BoTucks for the work she’s had done. Insists on boundaries and personal space. Has ‘issues’.

• JudgeJewellery

  
• Judge with penchant for stealing high street trinkets