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Year 3, week 49: the RugbyShuffle

“It’s outrageous what’s been going on in the rugby world recently,” said OldSmoothie to me over a coffee yesterday morning.
“I know, it’s terrible,” I said. “Could bring the whole game into disrepute.”
“No, I don’t mean that’s terrible,” answered OldSmoothie. “It’s that they’ve exposed one of my best courtroom tricks for getting a witness out off a sticky wicket.”
“What do you mean?” I asked.
“Oh, don’t play innocent with me BabyB. Surely with a pupilmaster like TheBoss you were taught the old RugbyShuffle?”
“I’m not sure I was. What does it involve?”
“Ha. Well, I’m surprised I’m able to teach one of TheBoss’s ex-pupils anything but let me explain. Strictly between these four walls, obviously.”
Obviously.
“Well, only for trusted clients and witnesses really. Either people you’ve got to know pretty well or experts who know which side their bread is buttered if you know what I mean.”
I certainly did.
“All comes down to the same principle as faking a rugby injury with comedy blood. Very simple really. If the witness is in on the ropes or even taking the count then you need to get them off the stand any which way you can.”
“Right.”
“So you just warn the witness beforehand that if that should happen then a spot of migraine might not go amiss. Could buy twenty minutes and even very occasionally an adjournment. If it’s done well then on their return the heat has been taken from the attack and the witness is back to fighting fitness. I’ve even known one barrister carry around his famous ‘nose-bleed handkerchief’ for witnesses he was particularly worried about. One blow into that and the blood came poring out.”
“Oh.”
“Can’t believe you haven’t been using it. I mean, you can see why I’m annoyed about the rugby case, now?”

Well, quite.

September 3, 2009 · Tim Kevan · One Comment
Posted in: Uncategorized

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• THE MAIN CHARACTERS

• PanicStricken

  
  

  A new character who's desperate for a training contract but has just been demoted from minimum wage legal assistant to unpaid intern

• OldSmoothie

  
• Think Peter Bowles in To The Manor Born and Milk Tray Man, but not quite. Once successful barrister now put out to graze as a committee man.
• 

• TheCreep

  
• Jumped up little twerp who sucks up to the big beasts in chambers and struts around as if he's really something when actually he's not.

• SlipperySlope

  
  

  Solicitor skilled in the art of creative billing. Has the airs and graces of a country squire but is more a cross between Arthur Daley and Boycie from 'Only Fools and Horses'.

• Smutton

  
  

  Brassy to UpTights’s classy and yet still, somehow, sexy.

• NurserySlope

  
  

  Solicitor who is SlipperySlope's neice. Skis, rides and looks like a horse.

• JetSet

  
  

  A new solicitor character who's got a training contract and lords it over PanicStricken. She's wealthy, well- connected and spends most weekends either skiing or clubbing abroad.

• ScandalMonger

  
• Ruthless PR guru who has become one of BabyB's secret litigation weapons

• BigMouth

  
• Pompous Tory MP stuck on the backbenches like a piece of old chewing gum

• BusyBody

  
• A whirlwind of interference with a good heart and always up for a fight, particularly with OldSmoothie.

• TopFirst

  
• BabyB’s sworn enemy and former fellow pupil

• BabyBarista

  
• A young Flashman meets Rumpole meets Francis Urquart for the 21st century

• OldFatherTime

  
• A whisper on the wind, Highlander-type figure who is older than time itself

• TheVamp

  
• Tenant in chambers and a walking Carry On film of an innuendo

• OldRuin

  
• How a barrister should be. Dumbledore meets Clarence, the angel in Its a Wonderful Life. BabyB’s redemption.

• TheBusker

  
• Barrister of ten years call with the integrity and decency of OldRuin. Very laid back in his approach to both court and life. Admired by BabyB.

• TheBoss

  
• BabyB’s ex-pupilmaster. Unscrupulous, spineless coward.

• HeadClerk

  
• The real power in chambers. All seeing, all knowing.

• PupilFodder

  
• Learner Barrister foisted upon his unsuspecting client who gets shredded in court

• UpTights

  
• BabyB’s pupilmistress for his second six months who was almost called BoTucks for the work she’s had done. Insists on boundaries and personal space. Has ‘issues’.

• JudgeJewellery

  
• Judge with penchant for stealing high street trinkets