Year 3, week 49: the RugbyShuffle
“It’s outrageous what’s been going on in the rugby world recently,” said OldSmoothie to me over a coffee yesterday morning.
“I know, it’s terrible,” I said. “Could bring the whole game into disrepute.”
“No, I don’t mean that’s terrible,” answered OldSmoothie. “It’s that they’ve exposed one of my best courtroom tricks for getting a witness out off a sticky wicket.”
“What do you mean?” I asked.
“Oh, don’t play innocent with me BabyB. Surely with a pupilmaster like TheBoss you were taught the old RugbyShuffle?”
“I’m not sure I was. What does it involve?”
“Ha. Well, I’m surprised I’m able to teach one of TheBoss’s ex-pupils anything but let me explain. Strictly between these four walls, obviously.”
Obviously.
“Well, only for trusted clients and witnesses really. Either people you’ve got to know pretty well or experts who know which side their bread is buttered if you know what I mean.”
I certainly did.
“All comes down to the same principle as faking a rugby injury with comedy blood. Very simple really. If the witness is in on the ropes or even taking the count then you need to get them off the stand any which way you can.”
“Right.”
“So you just warn the witness beforehand that if that should happen then a spot of migraine might not go amiss. Could buy twenty minutes and even very occasionally an adjournment. If it’s done well then on their return the heat has been taken from the attack and the witness is back to fighting fitness. I’ve even known one barrister carry around his famous ‘nose-bleed handkerchief’ for witnesses he was particularly worried about. One blow into that and the blood came poring out.”
“Oh.”
“Can’t believe you haven’t been using it. I mean, you can see why I’m annoyed about the rugby case, now?”
Well, quite.
September 3, 2009
· 
Tim Kevan · 
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The horror of the rugby blood scandal was how dishonourable it was. Not that one would expect you Slytherin chaps to understand that.