BabyBarista

A worm's eye view of the English Bar

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Year 3, week 40: Carry On Cricket

“Well, I’d give her a thick edge.” It was OldSmoothie after a few glasses of Rioja last night when talk had turned from the Ashes to a recent female opponent.
“I’d just settle for a feel of her silly mid off,” said HeadofChambers.
“Just pitch it up and watch her tickle it to fine leg,” chortled OldSmoothie.
“Bowl it into the rough and watch her perform a nifty little reverse sweep.”
“Around the wicket, of course.”
“Absolutely. Then all you need is good line and length.”
“Well, quite. After that you just get her to stroke it into the covers.”
“Poke it away to deep point.”
“Crack it through midwicket.”
“Nudge one into the slips.”
“Slip one into the gully.”
“Tease her out of the crease.”
“Pull it to long on.”
“Hook it to long leg.”
“On a full toss.”

By this point these two grown men were starting to giggle uncontrollably.
“Give her a long hop.”
“On a sticky wicket.”
“Show her my googlies.”
“Tail-End-Her.”
“York-Her.”
“Straight through the gate.”

…and so it went on for about half an hour. Hard to listen to the cricket commentary in the same light again.

July 9, 2009 · Tim Kevan · 4 Comments
Posted in: Uncategorized

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• THE MAIN CHARACTERS

• OldSmoothie

  
• Think Peter Bowles in To The Manor Born and Milk Tray Man, but not quite. Once successful barrister now put out to graze as a committee man.

• TheCreep

  
• Jumped up little twerp who sucks up to the big beasts in chambers and struts around as if he's really something when actually he's not.

• SlipperySlope

  
  

  Solicitor skilled in the art of creative billing. Has the airs and graces of a country squire but is more a cross between Arthur Daley and Boycie from 'Only Fools and Horses'.

• Smutton

  
  

  Brassy to UpTights’s classy and yet still, somehow, sexy.

• NurserySlope

  
  

  Solicitor who is SlipperySlope's neice. Skis, rides and looks like a horse.

• JetSet

  
  

  A new solicitor character who's got a training contract and lords it over PanicStricken. She's wealthy, well- connected and spends most weekends either skiing or clubbing abroad.

• ScandalMonger

  
• Ruthless PR guru who has become one of BabyB's secret litigation weapons

• BigMouth

  
• Pompous Tory MP stuck on the backbenches like a piece of old chewing gum

• BusyBody

  
• A whirlwind of interference with a good heart and always up for a fight, particularly with OldSmoothie.

• TopFirst

  
• BabyB’s sworn enemy and former fellow pupil

• BabyBarista

  
• A young Flashman meets Rumpole meets Francis Urquart for the 21st century

• OldFatherTime

  
• A whisper on the wind, Highlander-type figure who is older than time itself

• TheVamp

  
• Tenant in chambers and a walking Carry On film of an innuendo

• OldRuin

  
• How a barrister should be. Dumbledore meets Clarence, the angel in Its a Wonderful Life. BabyB’s redemption.

• TheBusker

  
• Barrister of ten years call with the integrity and decency of OldRuin. Very laid back in his approach to both court and life. Admired by BabyB.

• TheBoss

  
• BabyB’s ex-pupilmaster. Unscrupulous, spineless coward.

• HeadClerk

  
• The real power in chambers. All seeing, all knowing.

• PupilFodder

  
• Learner Barrister foisted upon his unsuspecting client who gets shredded in court

• UpTights

  
• BabyB’s pupilmistress for his second six months who was almost called BoTucks for the work she’s had done. Insists on boundaries and personal space. Has ‘issues’.

• JudgeJewellery

  
• Judge with penchant for stealing high street trinkets