Year 2, week 15: PriceofJustice

Today was the abuse of process hearing for JudgeJewellery.  Having a soft spot for the learned judge and also not wanting to miss out on a good story I was quick to volunteer my services as note-taker in chief.  UpTights was only too happy for the assistance.  By now she’s put together a huge case setting out numerous procedural irregularities which occurred during JudgeJewellery’s apprehension and subsequent interview and eventual charge.  Unfortunately for UpTights it’s caused no end of criticism in the press about lawyers looking after their own and the like.  All of which meant that when we arrived at court there was a paparrazi mob baying for UpTights as much as JudgeJewellery. 

As you know by now, UpTights isn’t the most relaxed person on the planet even when everything’s going her way but with all this commotion she was going into overdrive.  Which wasn’t helped when JudgeJewellery arrived at court and added further to the pressure with the following,
‘We’ve got to win UpTights.  My whole financial future depends on it.’
‘I should say so.  If you’re convicted, you’ll be handing back your judicial robes, I’m afraid.’
‘No, not that.  I’ve decided I’m going to quit the bench anyway.  It’s far more important.  I’ve been offered the lead in a huge ad campaign by CheapnNasty along with a television show of my own in which I sit in judgment on various domestic disputes between celebrities.  Kind of Celebrity Judge Judy.  The deal’s already done both in this country and the States.  Between them they’ll pay more than twenty years of sitting on the bench.’

UpTights clearly disapproved but tried to look supportive of her old friend.  Then JudgeJewellery added,
‘The only problem is that it all falls away if I’m convicted.  Then I’ll fall foul of the laws against profiting from my own crime.  But if you get me off, even one of your technicalities, then legally speaking I am innocent.  I have committed no crime from which I could profit.  I will instead be profiting from the crime I didn’t commit.  If you see my point.  Anyway, you’ll understand my concern.’

Oh, UpTights understood that alright.  With all their being old friends and all, you’d have thought that JudgeJewellery would have had a little more insight than to add pressure onto this highly strung monster at such an inopportune moment.
‘Yes, I get the point.  Anyway, I think we ought to be getting into court.’

UpTights was at her very worst as she strutted into the court room.  Anyway, thankfully for JudgeJewellery, the crown prosecution service appear not to know what the whole personal injury world knows and that’s if you’re going to beat UpTights, simply instruct OldSmoothie.  Instead, she was against one of their in-house muppets who was clearly trying to make a name for himself but over whom UpTights ran roughshod.  For every little argument he raised, her impatience counted in her favour and only served to undermine his position yet further.  For the first time it made me realise why opponents spend so much money instructing OldSmoothie in order to beat her.  Average opponents would stand no chance.  All of which confirmed to me something which has been apparent for the whole of the last year.

That you get the result you pay for.  Which for JudgeJewellery was good news.

January 10, 2008 · Tim Kevan · Comments Closed
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