BabyBarista

A worm's eye view of the English Bar

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Year 2, week 2: TheConference

Now don’t get me wrong.  I’ve got nothing against Tory MPs.  Well, nothing more than the average prejudice which is probably well-founded and wholly reasonable.  However, even after reminding yourself that as a breed they’re all still human and maybe even have families and all that you may still struggle actually to like a certain portion of them.  But that’s not to say they’re bad or ill-meaning.  Simply that very few people other than that rare breed which is themselves have anything in common with them.  However, even discounting for the fact that Tory MPs are most definitely a discriminated against minority, I defy most people to find even an ounce of sympathy for our friend BigMouth.  Or should I say my new client who I met today for the first time in conference.  Well, met is an overstatement.  Even though I’d done all the work, I basically served the coffee and then sat in the back of the room taking notes.  Except the notes I took ended up being my thoughts on the great man.  Which were rude and unrepeatable in any respectable publication.  Honestly. 

Suffice it to say that my first impression of the great man was, on balance, even after taking all things into account, not positive.  In the least.  It’s just that BigMouth simply isn’t a very nice man.  He’s arrogant, egotistical and completely lacking in any insight as to how he is perceived by others.  Which means other than being a barrister (which perhaps not coincidentally is where he started out), he is the right man for the right job.  Propping up the Parliamentary green benches.  Or rather popping up on them even when it’s wholly inappropriate.  Which is most of the time since he’ll try and wrangle a quip about Europe or immigration into any debate you care to choose, however off-topic it might be.  Oh, and his voice goes so far back in his throat as to take you back in time through generations of impeccable aristocratic in-breeding.

But hey, I wouldn’t be saying any of this were it not for the fact that he was rude about my coffee this afternoon.  And not just once but even after he’d forced me to make it again he got stuck in with yet another dig about how he even gets a better “cuppa” (a word which sounded just a little false) down the local greasy cafe he is forced to visit in his constituency once a year. 

Anyway, third time around I stuck a few of UpTights’s herbal “chill pills” as she like to call them (basically St John’s Wort) into a nice strong cuppa.  “Special like.  Jus’ for ’im”.  Certainly shut him up for a while.  Maybe they should take this up in the House of Commons?

October 11, 2007 · Tim Kevan · 3 Comments
Posted in: Uncategorized

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• THE MAIN CHARACTERS

• OldSmoothie

  
• Think Peter Bowles in To The Manor Born and Milk Tray Man, but not quite. Once successful barrister now put out to graze as a committee man.

• TheCreep

  
• Jumped up little twerp who sucks up to the big beasts in chambers and struts around as if he's really something when actually he's not.

• SlipperySlope

  
  

  Solicitor skilled in the art of creative billing. Has the airs and graces of a country squire but is more a cross between Arthur Daley and Boycie from 'Only Fools and Horses'.

• Smutton

  
  

  Brassy to UpTights’s classy and yet still, somehow, sexy.

• NurserySlope

  
  

  Solicitor who is SlipperySlope's neice. Skis, rides and looks like a horse.

• JetSet

  
  

  A new solicitor character who's got a training contract and lords it over PanicStricken. She's wealthy, well- connected and spends most weekends either skiing or clubbing abroad.

• ScandalMonger

  
• Ruthless PR guru who has become one of BabyB's secret litigation weapons

• BigMouth

  
• Pompous Tory MP stuck on the backbenches like a piece of old chewing gum

• BusyBody

  
• A whirlwind of interference with a good heart and always up for a fight, particularly with OldSmoothie.

• TopFirst

  
• BabyB’s sworn enemy and former fellow pupil

• BabyBarista

  
• A young Flashman meets Rumpole meets Francis Urquart for the 21st century

• OldFatherTime

  
• A whisper on the wind, Highlander-type figure who is older than time itself

• TheVamp

  
• Tenant in chambers and a walking Carry On film of an innuendo

• OldRuin

  
• How a barrister should be. Dumbledore meets Clarence, the angel in Its a Wonderful Life. BabyB’s redemption.

• TheBusker

  
• Barrister of ten years call with the integrity and decency of OldRuin. Very laid back in his approach to both court and life. Admired by BabyB.

• TheBoss

  
• BabyB’s ex-pupilmaster. Unscrupulous, spineless coward.

• HeadClerk

  
• The real power in chambers. All seeing, all knowing.

• PupilFodder

  
• Learner Barrister foisted upon his unsuspecting client who gets shredded in court

• UpTights

  
• BabyB’s pupilmistress for his second six months who was almost called BoTucks for the work she’s had done. Insists on boundaries and personal space. Has ‘issues’.

• JudgeJewellery

  
• Judge with penchant for stealing high street trinkets