Day 242, week 49: HeyUp

With bombs falling all around the battlefield and a sense of despair taking hold, the very last person I needed to be against today was TheVamp who for some reason or other was on particularly chirpy form as we met in the robbing room before going off to meet the clients.

“Come on, BabyB.  Cheer up.  You’ll be alright.  I’ve already promised you my vote, remember.”

How could I forget.

“What you need is a distraction.  Let’s play a game.”

Great.  All I needed.  I hyperactive, clearly hungover Vamp.

“Good night last night was it.”

“Oh, snap out of it, BabyB.  No getting out of this one.  It’s a new district judge today and so he won’t ever have heard us before.  I’ll give you first shout.  You can either take a northern accent or a county bumpkin west country accent.”

Well, I guess when it’s all going wrong there’s little left to lose and I admit that her hung over caffeine-fuelled buzz was infectious.  So it was that I went northern and TheVamp western.  Good and proper.  All credit to TheVamp.  Above everything else she’s a performer and boy, did she perform.  Okay, so I got a few “hey ups” in and changed my vowels.  But she went much further, getting to the stage of muttering “ooh aaar” under her breath every time there was a slight double entendre in the evidence.  The judge, I figure, figured.  But could say nothing.  What could he do without proof?  After lunch it only got worse when TheVamp upped the ante with the challenge of including three specific words each.  I did okay with “flat cap”, “whippet” and “grim” but once again TheVamp excelled herself with the way she snook in the words “cider”, “worzel” and “combine harvester”.  At one point she even put it to a witness that his car was driving “slower than a combine harvester being driven by a cider-drinking worzel.”

Credit to TheVamp.  She cheered me up today.

September 12, 2007 · Tim Kevan · 4 Comments
Posted in: Uncategorized

4 Responses

  1. Shipping Lawyer - September 13, 2007

    If only you and the Boss had known that the Merchant Shipping Act, (and therefore the 2-year time limit for personal injury claims laid down in the MSA) doesn’t apply to Royal Navy Vessels.
    Guess it’s too late now though.

  2. The Saint - September 13, 2007

    Oive got a brand new combine ‘arvester and oid give the Vamp the key.

  3. Sarah - September 13, 2007

    I think this is my favourite post.

  4. Kitty - September 27, 2007

    If only you weren’t too young for The Vamp.