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Day 209, week 42: guinea pigs

I’ve mentioned meeting OldFatherTime in the past.  Old law lord who I’m not quite sure isn’t a highlander who’s been around for several hundred years.  Well, saw him today walking past chambers. 

“Hello!”  I piped up merrily.  “How’s the walking stick?”

Doh!  Still pops into my head rather than some serious legal chit chat.

“Oh.  Hello, young man.  Yes, it’s holding up, I must say, better than the rest of me.  How are you getting on with your pupillage.”

“Oh, mustn’t grumble,” was all I could muster.  Well I guess, it was still morning and I was feeling particularly worried about TheBoss bringing me down.

“That bad is it?  Some things don’t change I see.  I remember in the days before I care to remember, we were doing between five and ten pleas in mitigation a day and all for half a guinea…” He tailed off as if he hadn’t quite finished.

“Is that half a guinea pig or half a guinea fowl, my lord?” 

As I uttered the words, I realised it just wasn’t my morning.  Of course he wasn’t paid in either rodents or birds.  One day, I’m going to manage a serious conversation with this great man.

July 26, 2007 · Tim Kevan · 2 Comments
Posted in: Uncategorized

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• THE MAIN CHARACTERS

• OldSmoothie

  
• Think Peter Bowles in To The Manor Born and Milk Tray Man, but not quite. Once successful barrister now put out to graze as a committee man.

• TheCreep

  
• Jumped up little twerp who sucks up to the big beasts in chambers and struts around as if he's really something when actually he's not.

• SlipperySlope

  
  

  Solicitor skilled in the art of creative billing. Has the airs and graces of a country squire but is more a cross between Arthur Daley and Boycie from 'Only Fools and Horses'.

• Smutton

  
  

  Brassy to UpTights’s classy and yet still, somehow, sexy.

• NurserySlope

  
  

  Solicitor who is SlipperySlope's neice. Skis, rides and looks like a horse.

• JetSet

  
  

  A new solicitor character who's got a training contract and lords it over PanicStricken. She's wealthy, well- connected and spends most weekends either skiing or clubbing abroad.

• ScandalMonger

  
• Ruthless PR guru who has become one of BabyB's secret litigation weapons

• BigMouth

  
• Pompous Tory MP stuck on the backbenches like a piece of old chewing gum

• BusyBody

  
• A whirlwind of interference with a good heart and always up for a fight, particularly with OldSmoothie.

• TopFirst

  
• BabyB’s sworn enemy and former fellow pupil

• BabyBarista

  
• A young Flashman meets Rumpole meets Francis Urquart for the 21st century

• OldFatherTime

  
• A whisper on the wind, Highlander-type figure who is older than time itself

• TheVamp

  
• Tenant in chambers and a walking Carry On film of an innuendo

• OldRuin

  
• How a barrister should be. Dumbledore meets Clarence, the angel in Its a Wonderful Life. BabyB’s redemption.

• TheBusker

  
• Barrister of ten years call with the integrity and decency of OldRuin. Very laid back in his approach to both court and life. Admired by BabyB.

• TheBoss

  
• BabyB’s ex-pupilmaster. Unscrupulous, spineless coward.

• HeadClerk

  
• The real power in chambers. All seeing, all knowing.

• PupilFodder

  
• Learner Barrister foisted upon his unsuspecting client who gets shredded in court

• UpTights

  
• BabyB’s pupilmistress for his second six months who was almost called BoTucks for the work she’s had done. Insists on boundaries and personal space. Has ‘issues’.

• JudgeJewellery

  
• Judge with penchant for stealing high street trinkets