Day 143, week 30: TheVamp

It seems to be the week for members of Chambers being against each other.  Hard to see how there can’t be a conflict of interest but there you go.  Anyway, today I was against someone who I can only call TheVamp.  She’s been in Chambers for three years and is well established as one of Chambers’ main gossips, not to mention drinkers.  She’s extremely attractive though in a way some people have described as “obvious”.  I think they’re referring to her style as much as her looks, with the short skirts, low cut tops and bleach blond cropped hair.  She also has a reputation as a flirt, something which until now I have only admired from afar. 

Today, however, I had her full, undiluted attention and I began to realise how she had acquired such a reputation. 

“So BabyB, how have your first few days been?  I bet you’ve been socking it to your opponents.”

“Er, they’ve been ok.  Yeh.”  I admit that I actually felt slightly tongue-tied.  This only got worse as she moved closer.  No personal space issues on her part.

“Oh, come on BabyB.  I’ve seen you charming people around Chambers.  I bet you’ve been doing just the same at court.  Masterful, I imagine.”  She leaned in to see my draft directions.

“Er.  Well.  Here’s the directions prepared by my solicitors.  What do you, er, think?”  I mumbled and blushed at the same time.

“I think they’re absolutely fine BabyB.  What I’d suggest though is that we use my draft.  Pretty much says the same thing but written more clearly if you know what I mean.”  She smiled knowingly and I tried to reciprocate as if I did know what she meant, which I didn’t.

“It’s barristers who should always draft the directions BabyB.  Always much clearer that way.”

Well, I couldn’t see anything wrong with my solicitor’s directions at all but I didn’t have a problem using TheVamp’s either, particularly so in the flustered state she’d now put me.

“OK. Er.  Cool.  I’ll have a read.”  Which I did and then went back to her.

“Er.  Just a couple of small things.  Hope you don’t, er, mind.”

“Why would I mind BabyB.  You just say what you’re thinking.”  She again leaned in close making it impossible to do as she was suggesting given that my thoughts had strayed somewhat from the directions.

“Er.  Well.”  I tried to regain a little composure.  “Er.  Well.  I was just thinking.  Er…”  There it was again, my thoughts straying.  “Er.”  Must concentrate.  “Er, anyway, you seem to be wanting to call two new witnesses and, er, the trial is only a few weeks away.”
“Oh.  You know how it is BabyB.  Only just tracked them down.  Judges always let them in anyway.”

Well my instructions were to do what I thought best on the day with the directions and I wasn’t in any fit state to be trying to argue small points in front of the judge and so I relented.  My only worry is how I’m going to get through the trial if she continues to put the pressure on next time round. 

It’s just not cricket.  That’s what I say.  Not cricket at all.

April 25, 2007 · Tim Kevan · 6 Comments
Posted in: Uncategorized

6 Responses

  1. Anonymous - April 25, 2007

    Cheer up BB,
    we can’t all be ladies men…
    …like TopFirst 😉

  2. Martin - April 26, 2007

    My suggestion would be being queer. It makes life at the bar so much easier…

  3. Kelly Hatton - April 26, 2007

    I want to hear more about The Vamp!

  4. David - April 26, 2007

    I hope BabyB doesn’t start falling for the unattractive charms of anything in a short skirt!

  5. VC - April 26, 2007

    A bit clichéd really – perpetuates the stereotype that women can only get places in Law by using their sexuality… I might be taking it too seriously, but hey. Not your best work BabyB.

  6. DOUBLE ESPRESSO - April 27, 2007

    Is it a stereotype? Some certainly do use their sexuality to “get places”. I know several. Men are often guilty of the same thing albeit in a less obvious way than the Vamp. I once heard a clerk say that it was much easier to get a good-looking barrister (male or female) intructed. That’s life. And in the world of the self-employed, you really don’t care if that is the reason you first get instructed? If you mess up the case, they won’t come back.