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Day 131, week 27: OldHand

Went off to court with my new pupilmistress UpTights this morning. Unlike TheBoss, she hardly ever settles a case at court on the basis that “We’re paid to fight, not settle.” However, it’s almost as if she’s unable to undertake a negotiation, as the way she treats her opponent’s case is as rigid as her manner. Quite a contrast to TheBoss, who would sidle up to opponents and suggest something like: “Don’t suppose we can get rid of this and be back in Chambers for lunch do you?”

UpTights, on the other hand, told her opponent today: “There’s no point talking if you’re not prepared to look at this case sensibly.”

“Well, quite,” said the other side’s barrister. Let’s call him OldHand. He clearly knew UpTights and had decided that the best strategy was to wind her up. He leaned in a little too close for her liking, given her “personal space” issues and continued, “Though I’m sure you’ll take your client’s instructions if I do make an offer.”

UpTights moved away from OldHand and replied: “A little space please . . . Of course I’d take instructions. But I really don’t think there’s any point talking further.”

After this, OldHand needled her further by getting his pupil to come over and make an offer. “Can’t he be bothered to come over here and tell me himself?” she said. “No he can’t,” the pupil answered, obviously having been briefed what to say. The offer itself was ridiculously low one and only served to irritate UpTights further. The pupil made it worse by following with "[OldHand] says that if you don’t accept by the start of the hearing, it will be withdrawn.”

“Well, you can tell [OldHand] . . .”

“. . . and he also said to tell you that he looks forward to hearing what your client has to say about the offer.” Then the pupil turned on his heels.

It only got worse when we went into court. OldHand started called UpTights “Mrs” rather than “Ms”, which though she didn’t correct him, clearly grated, particularly when he started mispronouncing her name as well. He also took two extremely weak points at the start of the hearing which left UpTights even more jumpy and impatient than usual. It only took a couple of hours of this before UpTights finally snapped at the judge.

“With respect, Your Honour, if you read the witness statement of the Claimant you will see . . .”

“Are you suggesting that I haven’t read the witness statements?”

“Of course not, Your Honour . . .”

UpTights by this point couldn’t help herself, and during OldHand’s provocative submissions she started shaking her head and muttering, “No, no, no.”

OldHand stopped mid-flow and said to the judge, “I’m sorry, Your Honour, but it seems my learned friend Mrs [Uptights] wishes to address you early.” Then he sat down.

Your opponent is right. I too find your constant interrupting and muttering extremely irritating and would be grateful if you would refrain from it in future.”

UpTights was speechless. She nodded angrily at the judge before OldHand stood up, smiled over at her and continued.

At that point we were done for.

April 5, 2007 · Tim Kevan · 19 Comments
Posted in: Uncategorized

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• THE MAIN CHARACTERS

• OldSmoothie

  
• Think Peter Bowles in To The Manor Born and Milk Tray Man, but not quite. Once successful barrister now put out to graze as a committee man.

• TheCreep

  
• Jumped up little twerp who sucks up to the big beasts in chambers and struts around as if he's really something when actually he's not.

• SlipperySlope

  
  

  Solicitor skilled in the art of creative billing. Has the airs and graces of a country squire but is more a cross between Arthur Daley and Boycie from 'Only Fools and Horses'.

• Smutton

  
  

  Brassy to UpTights’s classy and yet still, somehow, sexy.

• NurserySlope

  
  

  Solicitor who is SlipperySlope's neice. Skis, rides and looks like a horse.

• JetSet

  
  

  A new solicitor character who's got a training contract and lords it over PanicStricken. She's wealthy, well- connected and spends most weekends either skiing or clubbing abroad.

• ScandalMonger

  
• Ruthless PR guru who has become one of BabyB's secret litigation weapons

• BigMouth

  
• Pompous Tory MP stuck on the backbenches like a piece of old chewing gum

• BusyBody

  
• A whirlwind of interference with a good heart and always up for a fight, particularly with OldSmoothie.

• TopFirst

  
• BabyB’s sworn enemy and former fellow pupil

• BabyBarista

  
• A young Flashman meets Rumpole meets Francis Urquart for the 21st century

• OldFatherTime

  
• A whisper on the wind, Highlander-type figure who is older than time itself

• TheVamp

  
• Tenant in chambers and a walking Carry On film of an innuendo

• OldRuin

  
• How a barrister should be. Dumbledore meets Clarence, the angel in Its a Wonderful Life. BabyB’s redemption.

• TheBusker

  
• Barrister of ten years call with the integrity and decency of OldRuin. Very laid back in his approach to both court and life. Admired by BabyB.

• TheBoss

  
• BabyB’s ex-pupilmaster. Unscrupulous, spineless coward.

• HeadClerk

  
• The real power in chambers. All seeing, all knowing.

• PupilFodder

  
• Learner Barrister foisted upon his unsuspecting client who gets shredded in court

• UpTights

  
• BabyB’s pupilmistress for his second six months who was almost called BoTucks for the work she’s had done. Insists on boundaries and personal space. Has ‘issues’.

• JudgeJewellery

  
• Judge with penchant for stealing high street trinkets