Endgame in Afghanistan – incredible film by Sean Smith for The Guardian

July 29, 2010 ¡ babybarista ¡ No Comments
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Drawn swords and driving sheep

“I hear you’re about to be made a freeman of the City of London,” said UpTights today.

“Yes,” said OldSmoothie puffing out his chest as if we were meant to be impressed. “Should help my case for becoming a people’s peer as well.”

“Yeh, right,” said BusyBody. “Because being given some sort of masonic award for having eaten lots of dinners in an obscure City livery company is really in touch and down with the, er, people.”

“What, are you in some way suggesting that it’s a meaningless, out-dated and irrelevant title given by a group of pompous non-entities to one of their own?” asked UpTights sarcastically.

“Although when you put it like that, I can see why he might draw the parallel with the Lords,” smiled TheVamp.

“But doesn’t it come with all sorts of rights?” said TheCreep. “Like driving sheep over London Bridge and going about the City with a drawn sword.”

“I’m afraid not,” said HeadofChambers. “I once had to advise on these rights and I’m afraid they’re all bunkum. Exemption from tolls on animals and a few other minor things were about your lot even back in the day.”

“Oh don’t worry Mr CreepyWeepy,” said TheVamp with mock sympathy. “You can draw your sword for me any time you like.”

With which he went bright red and disappeared into the corner of the room.

July 29, 2010 ¡ babybarista ¡ No Comments
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Counting the inches

TheCreep was explaining tripping accidents caused by holes in the pavement to a couple of the pupils today.

“It all boils down to whether it’s half an inch or an inch,” he said in his usual patronising little squeak.

Unfortunately for him TheVamp again happened to be passing at just the wrong time. After he’d said the words she smiled sweetly, patted him on the head and said,

“Of course it does MrCrinchyPinchy. You’ve got to make the most of what you’ve got and in your case I guess an extra half inch could always be crucial.”

July 26, 2010 ¡ babybarista ¡ No Comments
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Don’t forget jury trials in the great repeal act

I’ve just written the second in my series of monthly articles for The Guardian Law (under my real name) urging the government to repeal the provision that allows for judge-only trials. You can read the article here and follow the series here.

July 26, 2010 ¡ babybarista ¡ No Comments
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Monday morning with Alex Williams’ cartoons

Once again I’m delighted to offer another cartoon by Alex Williams who not only draws the cartoons on this blog but also the Queen’s Counsel cartoons both for The Times and in numerous books including Lawyers Uncovered. He has also had two more excellent books published recently: 101 Ways to Leave the Law and 101 Uses for a Useless Banker. He offers almost all of his cartoons for sale at ÂŁ120 for originals and ÂŁ40 for copies and they can be obtained from this email info@qccartoon.com. You can click to enlarge the image.

July 26, 2010 ¡ babybarista ¡ No Comments
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Weekend video: Law School is so easy!

July 24, 2010 ¡ babybarista ¡ No Comments
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Mini-pupil fest

Chambers is currently awash with law students on their Summer holidays doing mini-pupillage.
“Mini-pupillages are a complete and utter waste of time for everyone,” said OldSmoothie.
“It is for those who get you at least,” said BusyBody. “Though in itself that’s probably a valuable insight into life at the Bar.”
“It’s definitely good for the CV,” said TheCreep. “I did twelve mini-pupillages during my time at university.”
“Now there’s a surprise,” said TheVamp.
“Though you do have to ask why we reward people for just turning up in chambers, following us around and making coffee at the drop of a wig,” said TheBusker.
“Maybe it’s a test to filter out those who don’t have a sufficiently servile temperament to survive pupillage,” said TheVamp.
“But you’ve got to admit that they’re pretty annoying,” said OldSmoothie. “I can just about live with having one Creep in chambers even if it’s just to make fun of. But having a whole army of them descend each Summer is unbearable.”
“You’re talking absolute rubbish as usual OldSmoothie,” said BusyBody. “It opens up the place to people who otherwise might not even dream of applying and hey, they add a bit of youth and colour to a pretty arid environment.”
“And anyway, you didn’t seem to mind that pretty young law student last week,” said UpTights. “Getting her to spend two days, er, what was it? Oh yes, ‘arranging your Weekly Law Reports’.”
“Ooh err,” said TheVamp with a smile.
“Well it’s exactly why so many senior barristers take August off,” said OldSmoothie soldiering on.
“I thought it was because the High Court closed then,” said TheVamp.
“What and you really think we’re going to tell the truth: that we can’t stand having self-important, jumped-up and annoying oiks pawing at us all day. I hardly think so.”
“Maybe they actually choose August specifically to avoid having self-important, jumped-up and annoying silks pawing at them all day instead,” said UpTights.

July 23, 2010 ¡ babybarista ¡ One Comment
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Poem on Rob the Rubbish by Radio 4’s Matt Harvey

The wonderful Radio 4 Saturday Live poet (and fellow Devon resident) Matt Harvey did a poem about my (Tim Kevan’s) Dad Robin Kevan in his guise as Rob the Rubbish a few years ago which was broadcast on Fi Glover’s programme on Radio 4. Now it’s going to appear in a new book by Matt entitled Where Earwigs Dare which is published on 14 October 2010. It is a collection of Matt’s latest poems, horticultural, whimsical, ecological, political and just plain funny. You can pre-order it at amazon. With Matt’s kind permission, the poem about my Dad is also printed below.

Rob the Rubbish…..My Hero

He isn’t where the glamour is
Or where the glitz and glitter is
He’s far away from cameras
Rob is where the litter is.
Whose litter?
Ours!

Sound citizens like me and you
Who leave behind a residue
The wrapper of a snacky thing
Petroleum based packaging
An apple core, a bottle top
Look! Someone’s dropped their glottal stop
The stray lid off some Tupperware
The forelock of a Sherpa there
A crushed carton of apple juice

The landscape soaks up this abuse….
….Then Rob steps in

And…by picking up crisp packets, cling film and tin foil
Incongruous empties of Sprite and Drambui
He nurtures the flora and fauna and topsoil
And subtly recharges the Feng of its Shui

Rob is more than merely stoic
He’s verging on heroic
He’s a super-dooper human
Doing topographic grooming
He’s a man whose civic pride
Extends up every mountainside
He de-clutters their crevices
He’s even done Ben Nevis’s
The litter droppers’ nemesis -
Is he a hero? You decide….

It’s a dirty world – but Rob won’t let us ruin it
It’s a dirty job – we’re glad that Rob is doing it

Matt Harvey, Radio 4, 27th January 2007

July 22, 2010 ¡ babybarista ¡ No Comments
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Inspiring post of the day: introducing Rob the Rubbish!

There’s a lovely letter from my (ie Tim Kevan’s) Dad Robin Kevan in The Independent today about picking up litter. He is famously known as Rob the Rubbish for his efforts which include not only cleaning up his local area but also mountains such as Snowdon, Scafell and Ben Nevis and as far afield as the trek to Everest Base Camp. The Daily Telegraph has described him as “the unlikely new hero of the environmental lobby” and The Independent said that “Mr Kevan thus follows in the footsteps of others who have decided something must be done and done it. One thinks of Florence Nightingale, Albert Schweitzer, Bob Geldof, Diana, Princess of Wales…”. Oh and he even featured in a book called One Can Make A Difference alongside the likes of the Dalai Lama and Paul McCartney. All from picking up other people’s rubbish! You can read more about him on his wikipedia entry. The letter is also printed below.

What I do is rubbish
Terence Blacker’s article (16 July) is another in a long list by journalists and others trying to understand the phenomenon that is a British countryside blighted by litter. I achieved some notoriety a while ago by responding to a radio report about Ben Nevis being strewn with litter, going there from my home in Wales and cleaning it up. I worked on the basis that, if litter offends you, pick it up. It can then no longer offend you and the beauty behind it can be seen. It’s simple.
Most people see litter all around them every day, but, because we are all so focused on just getting through the day, we don’t actually notice it.
Once you really notice litter you are never quite the same again. I regularly clean up my small town and my activities have taken me to Britain’s highest mountains and the Everest trail.
It’s a never-ending job but I’m sustained by the fact that everywhere I roam, things look a lot better behind me.
Instead of getting angry about the huge global litter problem, we could all try to deal with litter on the street outside our own front doors. Clear it up every day. Britain could then be seen for the lovely country it is.
Robin Kevan
(aka Rob the Rubbish)
Powys, Wales
The beautiful photo of my Dad cleaning up Snowdon is copyright photographer Howard Barlow who also sells iconic images of in particular seventies rock stars such as the Ramones and Blondie on his website here. He also has a blog here.

July 21, 2010 ¡ babybarista ¡ No Comments
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The pupil strikes back

I felt sorry for my opponent today at least at the start. He’s a tall skinny fresh-faced pupil who looks as if he’d completely topple over if you were even to blow in his direction. Kind of a posh English version of Napoleon Dynamite with the sort of face which looks as if it’s constantly about to burst into tears or what OldSmoothie might describe as “an invitation to treat it to a good punching”.

Worst of all for his calling as a barrister, he can’t even get to the end of a sentence without raising his voice a notch as if to make everything he says a question. Like he’s not sure of whether what he’s saying is correct and so he figures he’ll ask for your reassurance each time. Maybe it’s due to too many OldSmoothies having punched him but whatever the reason you just can’t help but feel sorry for him. So when he introduced himself as “Hello, I’m Giles and I’m representing Mr Jones” I immediately felt the need to reassure him that he was indeed Mr Jones’ barrister with “I’m sure you are”. Given his delicate nature, I also thought I’d call him FraGiles from now on.

Anyway, once into court, he had the bad luck to be in front of a man who has quite justifiably garnered the nickname of JudgeDread of the “I am the law” fame. It really couldn’t have been a worse combination and that was absolutely clear right from the off when FraGiles perked up with:
“Your Honour, I represent the claimant Mr Jones in this small road traffic matter…”

Inevitable his voice rose which was followed by Judge Dread’s eyes also rising to the ceiling whilst his tight lips showed off his impatience. He then looked directly at FraGiles and said,

“Well, are you sure about that? Perhaps you’re in fact for the defendant? Or maybe it isn’t a road traffic matter?”

FraGiles visibly wilted and he replied,
“Yes, you Honour, I’m very sure I represent the claimant and it is a road traffic matter…”

But his voice was still rising as he said it.

“So why are you saying it as if it’s a question. Don’t they even teach you how to speak in Bar School these days?” said JudgeDread, never one to mince his words.

“Your Honour, I certainly didn’t mean it as a question.”

“Well why are you speaking in that ridiculous namby-pamby, mummy’s boy rising little voice of yours then? Go on, let’s see if you can say anything with any degree of confidence at all.”

Then it was as if FraGiles suddenly cracked.

“Your Honour, I am well aware of the impediment in my speech and have spent many years trying to correct it. Your reputation had already preceded you as a bully but even I hadn’t imagined quite how accurate the caricature really was. So Your Honour, let me tell you one thing with absolute confidence. At the end of this hearing I will obtain a transcript of your unseemly little outburst. You will then receive notice from the Office of Judicial Supervision seeking your answer to a formal complaint which will have been made against you. This will then give you the opportunity to reflect on what you have just said at your leisure. In the meantime, I would like to see that my client Mr Jones gets the fair hearing to which he is entitled in our great system of justice.”

Well, I looked at FraGiles in awe as JudgeDread was utterly silenced. Not only that but inevitably after the judge had been put on notice that the case would be scrutinised by the powers that be for fairness he quite unfairly found in favour of FraGiles’ actually pretty hopeless case. Which did make me wonder if it’s a tactic he’s used before…

July 19, 2010 ¡ babybarista ¡ 8 Comments
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Monday morning with Alex Williams’ cartoons

Once again I’m delighted to offer another cartoon by Alex Williams who not only draws the cartoons on this blog but also the Queen’s Counsel cartoons both for The Times and in numerous books including Lawyers Uncovered. He has also had two more excellent books published recently: 101 Ways to Leave the Law and 101 Uses for a Useless Banker. He offers almost all of his cartoons for sale at ÂŁ120 for originals and ÂŁ40 for copies and they can be obtained from this email info@qccartoon.com. You can click to enlarge the image.

July 19, 2010 ¡ babybarista ¡ One Comment
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Weekend video: That Mitchell and Webb Look: Homeopathic A & E

July 17, 2010 ¡ babybarista ¡ No Comments
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Barrister mating rituals

After their failed negotiation of last week, UpTights and OldSmoothie were against each other in court yesterday. OldSmoothie’s pupil was careful to take an accurate note of their learned last words on the case before they went into court and then he immediately posted it on Facebook. “You’re a stretched and gabbling shrew-faced old haridan UpTights,” said OldSmoothie.

To which UpTights apparently leant back like some sort of coiled spring before unleashing, “Can’t you do any better than that, OldSmoothie, you prattling, mangy, two-faced, fat, lickorous old git.”

“You’re a dried up plastic old scrag end.”

“And you my dear man are a maggot-pated clunch and a dirty old buck fitch.”

She’d obviously thrown in a new one since that slightly threw OldSmoothie and he replied, “A clunch and a buck fitch?”

To which UpTights replied, “That’s right. Look it up if you have to.”

Then without any warning OldSmoothie’s angry face suddenly turned into a huge smile and he put his arm around UpTights’ shoulders and said, “I really don’t know what I’d do without you UpTights.”

She immediately pulled away from this invasion of her oh so important personal space. But not before replying awkwardly and with as much of a smile as her stretched features would allow, “Love you too OldSmoothie.”

Nowt, as I’ve said before, so queer as folk. I mean, either they’re both starting to suffer Tourrette’s whenever they come within hearing distance of each other or they’re actually madly in love and insulting and degrading one another is just some sort of sado-masochistic mating ritual for ageing, bored and over-educated barristers. My money has always been on the latter.

July 15, 2010 ¡ babybarista ¡ No Comments
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The age of prosperity

HeadClerk made an announcement at chambers tea today. “With all this talk of cuts and a double dip recession, what we must not forget is that wherever there is hardship, there is opportunity.”

“What? Insolvency, repossessions, divorce…?” asked TheCreep.

“Yes, we certainly need to be advertising in those traditional areas. But the biggest opportunity facing us at the moment is suing our lovely new coalition government.”

“How’s that?” asked TheVamp.

“Cuts, dear. Cuts,” he replied. “For every contract the government cancels, we want to be suing for compensation. School buildings, workers, IT projects. It’s huge and we need to be bringing in that work.”

“What, like vultures?” said BusyBody.

“Do you think we’re some kind of free-living hippy justice for all do-gooding girls brigade?” retorted OldSmoothie angrily.

For once he’d been offensive on so many different levels that it actually silenced BusyBody for a moment as her mind clocked all its different elements. Which left UpTights to step in with: “Maybe not. But a bit of self respect and decorum when the rest of the world’s suffering wouldn’t go amiss.”

“That’s a little ironic coming from you, don’t you think,” said OldSmoothie.

HeadClerk ignored all these comments and concluded without any hint of irony: “So I want everyone out there talking to the media about how terrible these cuts are and that the only people who are going to benefit are the lawyers.”

Welcome to the age of prosperity (for lawyers, at least).

July 13, 2010 ¡ babybarista ¡ One Comment
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Service industry

“I hate clients,” said Teflon as he arrived back into chambers after an obviously hard day in court.

“The world would be so much easier without them,” smiled TheVamp.

“Quite right,” said OldSmoothie. “No more whining on in conference, getting witness statements wrong and then complaining when they have to pay even though they lost.”

“And that’s just the solicitor clients,” said HeadofChambers with a chuckle.

“At least we don’t have to deal with the lay clients day to day. It’d be a complete nightmare,” said TheVamp.

A lot of nodding and agreement on that one.

“I mean, perish the thought,” said BusyBody sarcastically. “Having to take phone calls and explain how the case is progressing and all. It’d be simply beneath us.”

“BusyBody,” said OldSmoothie, “that’s the most sensible thing you’ve said in all of your time in chambers.”

July 12, 2010 ¡ babybarista ¡ No Comments
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Monday morning with Alex Williams’ cartoons

Once again I’m delighted to offer another cartoon by Alex Williams who not only draws the cartoons on this blog but also the Queen’s Counsel cartoons both for The Times and in numerous books including Lawyers Uncovered. He has also had two more excellent books published recently: 101 Ways to Leave the Law and 101 Uses for a Useless Banker. He offers almost all of his cartoons for sale at ÂŁ120 for originals and ÂŁ40 for copies and they can be obtained from this email info@qccartoon.com. You can click to enlarge the image.

July 12, 2010 ¡ babybarista ¡ No Comments
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Weekend video: Monty Python court room scene

July 10, 2010 ¡ babybarista ¡ No Comments
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Amending the record

I gave OldSmoothie my note of his, er, case conference with BigMouth today. Basically it consisted of telling BigMouth that he should declare all the cash he’s received from his banker friend both to Parliament and probably also the taxman. However, he’d then gone on on to whisper that although that was his strict advice, it was of course up to BigMouth whether he wanted to follow it or not and of course, if he chose not to then OldSmoothie would still back him to the hilt.

From my very accurate note there was certainly no need to add in stage directions of nods and winks, since it was blindingly obvious what OldSmoothie was saying: “I’m covering myself by telling you this, but actually if I were you I’d try and wing it.”

“Why on earth did you write down every detail, BabyB?” he demanded. “You were there to take a note to protect me, not to implicate me.” He proceeded to delete the last half of my note before printing it off and handing it back. “There. That’s an accurate record of the advice I dispensed. The rest was simply two friends having a chin wag.”

“Oh.” I looked a little surprised and was definitely unsure as to what I should do. I certainly didn’t want to pick a fight with probably the most powerful person in chambers and that’s before you add a Tory MP into the mix. All the more so over something which was almost certain not to come out and anyway, it’s privileged, I figured a little uneasily.

“Excellent. Sign here BabyB.”

At that moment I had little choice but to sign my name and hope that the details of the meeting never came into question.

July 8, 2010 ¡ babybarista ¡ 3 Comments
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UpTights’ suppositories

UpTights and OldSmoothie were negotiating a case today whilst they were in the clerks’ room and half of chambers seemed to be there to hear it. At one point UpTights said: “Well, I suppose…”

OldSmoothie immediately rolled his eyes and interrupted with: “Oh don’t give me another one of your long rambling ’supposes’ UpTights.”

Then TheVamp made a stage whisper to the rest of the room: “He calls them her suppositories.”

“Why’s that?” asked one of the pupils innocently.

“Because there’s precisely one place I think she should stick her little theories and all I’ll say is that it’s somewhere the sun doesn’t shine,” said OldSmoothie.

“Which complements exactly what UpTights calls your own verbal pirouettes,” said BusyBody sticking up for her friend. “I mean, we all know that you talk out of that big fat behind of yours even if most of it’s just hot air. But on the occasions when you get a little over-excited and exceed even your usual capacity for crassness, they’re marked down as ‘OldSmoothie’s embarrassing little follow-throughs’.”

“This morning being a case in point,” said UpTights as she whisked past him and out of the door.

July 7, 2010 ¡ babybarista ¡ No Comments
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Law and Disorder: coming soon…

Advance copies of Law and Disorder: Confessions of Pupil Barrister have just arrived. This is the mass market edition of BabyBarista and the Art of War which was described by broadcaster Jeremy Vine as “a wonderful, racing read – well-drawn, smartly plotted and laugh out loud” and by The Times as “a cross between The Talented Mr Ripley, Rumpole and Bridget Jones’s Diary”. It follow’s BabyBarista’s fight for tenancy during his first year in chambers. It is officially released on 2 August and can be pre-ordered at www.amazon.co.uk.

July 6, 2010 ¡ babybarista ¡ One Comment
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Shining wits

OldSmoothie had another conference with BigMouth, the backbench Tory MP today and I was once again drafted in to take the minutes. Except that this time the conference took place on the terrace of the House of Commons with a jug of Pimms for company and within half an hour the two of them were regaling stories they’d clearly told each other thousands of times, just like a couple of musicians jamming their favourite tunes.

“I see that one of your lot called the Speaker a ’stupid, sanctimonious dwarf’ the other day,” chuckled OldSmoothie.

“Standards are as high as ever,” said BigMouth.

“There’s a few judges I’d like to say that to. Somehow I don’t think I’d get away with a just a slight ticking off, though,” said OldSmoothie.

“Oh, I don’t know,” said BigMouth. “The trick is always to leave the slightest possibility that the victim might be mistaken in what they heard. Cunning stunts, shining wits, you know…”

“I tell you what,” said OldSmoothie. “Let’s see exactly who can get away with the worst language in the next six months. You get Select Committees and the floor of the House and I get courtrooms. BabyB here can be the official referee.”

After they’d agreed on what they termed the Malcolm Tucker challenge, OldSmoothie finally got down to the business of doling out legal advice and I am now tasked with writing up the minutes of their increasingly drunken case conference.

July 6, 2010 ¡ babybarista ¡ One Comment
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Greed is good

Chambers tea was fizzing today following an announcement by HeadofChambers in which he proposed that chambers should follow the Bar Council chairman’s shiny new model for running chambers.

“It’ll mean that we can steal on in there and get block contracts from insurers and accident managers,” said HeadClerk, who clearly had a lot more idea what it meant than HeadofChambers. “Then it’ll be us doling the work out to solicitors rather than the other way around,” he added with a smile.

“What? Us employing solicitors? I like the sound of that,” said OldSmoothie. “I can certainly think of a few that I’d take great pleasure in phoning up late in the evening and telling them the work had to be done by the next morning.”

“It’d certainly put the shoe on the other foot,” said HeadClerk.

“And they call this model ProcureCo?” asked OldSmoothie raising his eyebrows as he continued, “Sounds to me more like something a co-operative of prostitutes might set up.”

“What, people who’ll do anything for money?” asked BusyBody. “Sounds particularly apt to me.”

“Oldest professions and all that,” added TheBusker.

“And what’s this they’re saying about employing junior barristers?” asked OldSmoothie directing his attention back to HeadClerk. “I’ve always thought it a great shame that we can’t exploit the labour of our junior members and divide the spoils between the rest of us. I mean, solicitors have been at it since time began.”

HeadClerk looked a little uneasy at mention of this, since he well knows that the junior members of chambers are the ones who do by far the greater number of cases and therefore do most to keep solicitors happy. “Er, well…” he stumbled. “That would of course be one option.”

“Damn fine one if you ask me,” said OldSmoothie. “They’re all earning far too much at the junior end these days for my liking.”

“I have to say that I agree with the principle that OldSmoothie raises, albeit that I wouldn’t quite put it in such vulgar terms,” said HeadofChambers a little more diplomatically.

“What? When? How?” BusyBody looked shocked, as I think we all did at the junior end.

“But you couldn’t,” said TheCreep. “You’d never get it voted through.”

“That’d be easy,” said OldSmoothie suddenly smiling as if he’d suddenly seen the light. “We just start it off with the pupils. Then we’d all benefit. We’ll simply employ them for three years on minimum wage and the off-chance that we might make them a tenant and then we’ll all be shopping.”

“Sounds a little like what it’s already like at the criminal bar,” said LibertyBelle.

“Why stop with three years?” said HeadofChambers. “No reason why we don’t make it the same as becoming a partner and leave it five or ten years for good measure.”

“But, but…” you could see BusyBody’s mind ticking over. “It just wouldn’t be fair…”

Yet, fair or not, it had just dawned on a roomful of greedy lawyers that they might just be about to get just a little bit richer.

July 5, 2010 ¡ babybarista ¡ No Comments
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Monday morning with Alex Williams’ cartoons

Once again I’m delighted to offer another cartoon by Alex Williams who not only draws the cartoons on this blog but also the Queen’s Counsel cartoons both for The Times and in numerous books including Lawyers Uncovered. He has also had two more excellent books published recently: 101 Ways to Leave the Law and 101 Uses for a Useless Banker. He offers almost all of his cartoons for sale at ÂŁ120 for originals and ÂŁ40 for copies and they can be obtained from this email info@qccartoon.com. You can click to enlarge the image.

July 5, 2010 ¡ babybarista ¡ No Comments
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Weekend video: ‘The Suit’ by Douglas Ray

July 3, 2010 ¡ babybarista ¡ No Comments
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Interview on BBC Radio 4’s World at One about The Times’ paywall

July 2, 2010 ¡ babybarista ¡ One Comment
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